Check out this months Fivegoo, where we talk about our favorite “guilty pleasures.” Now don’t get all snooty and stupid and say “oh but you shouldn’t ever feel guilty about liking a movie.” Just shut up and watch the video. It’s a lot shorter (and weirder/funnier) than our last two. See you next month.

There’s a difference between me and a lot of the people I see movies with. Well, there’s a lot of differences, but only one of these pertains to movies like Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.  I don’t mind if a movie’s not very good, especially if it’s like this one. As long as it’s “fun”.

Now, different people have different ideas of what “fun” is, and mine is watching a live action sequel to Aladdin, but with crazier action, and weird accents. And that’s what Prince of Persia was. In fact, if they had simply continued with the opening five-minute origin without having it end with the street rat automatically becoming royalty, this could’ve been a decent live action retelling of the Disney movie. But, no, the street rat grows up to become Donnie Darko With Abs, and we get Ancient Indiana Jones And the Dagger of Time.

But it isn’t all bad. Actually, it isn’t bad at all. There’s a lot of cool stuff here, like, to remind one even more so of Aladdin, a live action cave of wonders implosion, some sweet knife and sword fighting, and some cool parkour that, as far as I could tell, was untouched by the magic editing wand of a CG artist. Now, as far as the CG is concerned, it was mostly bad. But, luckily, they stuck to mostly good editing and cool stunts to get most of the action done.

I say mostly because one of my biggest problems with the movie wasn’t even something that was in it: transitions between scenes. I don’t know if they didn’t shoot them or if they decided it would help with the running time, but between almost every scene there’s no indication that they’ve left one place and gone to another. After being chased through a “City of Thieves” or whatever, our main characters cleverly shut the gate and taunt their pursuers with the keys to open it. And then they’re on top of a mountain somewhere. We never really see them leave the city, travel anywhere, ride a camel across the desert. It’s as if they turned around and were faced with a panoramic view of cascading sand dunes.

Also, the only other problem I had is a pretty big one: I don’t care about any of these characters, or the story, really. Not only was everything predictable, but some major twists had already been given away by, of all things, the character posters for the movie! Really? I’m supposed to be surprised to find that Ben Kingsley was behind it the whole time, when out in the theater lobby there’s a giant banner with his face on it that says “EVIL”? And aside from getting us from one location to another, every character is given almost nothing to do. Some forced banter aside (I’m pretty sure the banter was added in on the day of shooting…you can almost tell where the real script ended and the script additions began), all they do is give exposition on this mystic temple or that magical item. However, there is some pretty funny attempts at humor that just come off as being unintentionally homoerotic (ex. He can plunge ten men with ease in an afternoon, but somebody mentions marriage and he can’t form a sentence!), so that’s good.

Yeah...not evil at all...

But don’t get me wrong, none of these things (distinct and rounded characters, an original story, sense) are necessary to have a good time at the movies. The action is really cool and well done, the actors are likeable enough and they all seem to be having a good time. Unfortunately, the only thing I think kept me from enjoying this more was the fact that I knew what made it bad. If I were nine, this probably would’ve been the greatest thing I’d ever seen. But I’m not…so I give it a 5 out of 10.

Part 2 of 12,256.

May 28th, 2009 – S. DARKO
“WOW!”, you exclaim. “YOU WATCHED THAT PIECE OF SHIT SEQUEL RICHARD KELLY’s ‘DONNIE DARKO’?”, you ask. “Yes”, I humbly reply. “And I am proud to say I have.” REVIEW: It is extremely bad. DICK KELLY had nothing to do with it, which was made obvious by the lack of sense or imagination (sarcasm?). Just don’t see it. Unless you have a habit of seeing sequels of movies that are completely disassociated with the original except for character names and the title (in part).  I have this exact habit, e.g. CUBE and it’s sequels and TREMORS and it’s sequels. Because I watched this travesty exactly one year ago today I will honor it by not watching anything today in fear of negating it’s existence.  I want this movie to live in infamy for years to come.

BOOM!

The marathon was pretty neat. Dave won accolades for best film chosen for BEHIND THE MASK and best film intro for THE BEST OF DAVE, but besides that the marathon was pretty darn cool. But hey! Fuck the marathon. Let’s talk about way better things to talk about…OTHER MOVIES BESIDES THOSE SHOWN AT THE ‘TENTH OFFICIAL (3rd unofficial) JAT59072 MARATHON OF MOVIES FOR TWENTY FOUR CONSECUTIVE HOURS PART TEN!!’:

#190 (sorry i skipped a bunch) – STEALING HARVARD – GOOD.
TOM GREEEEEEEEEEEEN is so effin’ awesome I can’t even begin to explain it. He is very smart. Very smart. He’s this tendency to repeat things over and over and over and over again. It’s very smart. SEe STEALING HARVARD if you miss THOMAS GREENERY.
-10 stars out of ten divided by 3 half stars minus a star for every time COOL HAND LUKE has been watched in Kosovo times the number of “HOW YOU DOIN’s” in NORBIT plus Pi (by DARREN ARONOFSKY ).

Look forward to another mythical installment of BOOM FROM THE PAST tomorrow.

p.s

BOOM!

I like Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. I like Black Dynamite. I like Hot Rod. I like MacGruber. It’s stupid. The characters are, for the most part, functionally retarded. And that’s the joke. I don’t understand how someone can come out of this movie saying something like, “Oh my god, what a stupid movie!” Yeah, it’s stupid. And so are you. That’s the point.

But it’s funny. Sure, there are more than a few jokes that don’t work as often as they’re expected to. But it’s violent and gory, more so than many of the “real” action movies I’ve seen. And it’s raunchy, more so than any Todd Phillips or Farrelly Brothers movie that I’ve seen (I’m looking at you Hangover). And it’s way better than it has any right to be, given the source material. So, to all those who say, “It looks stupid!”, well, it is (except for an incredible soundtrack featuring the greatest soft rock hits of the 80s you’ll ever hear). And that’s the point.

These guys know what they’re doing. They know who and what they’re making fun of, and they hit the nail on the head. This is a sillier and more hardcore version of what the Losers forgot it was trying to be. Does that make any sense at all?

So, if you find yourself sitting in a theater, about to watch MacGruber, with thoughts of critic’s reviews dancing through your head, filling you with fear, relax, and keep telling yourself, “It’s only a movie…it’s ok to laugh.”

7 out of 10.

As none of you know, every few months, jat59072 graciously hosts a 24-hour movie marathon where I, fellow co-bloggers, and various other people get together and watch movies for 24 hours straight.  This is the 10th one we’ve done and it was a special one indeed.  For this marathon, we decided to show 5 of the most well-received movies from past marathons as well as a bunch of new ones (as usual).  Wait, if you read this site, you probably hang out with us.  If you’re from like France or something, get with the program.  SO ANYWAY.  Here’s a quick rundown/review of everything I’ve watched in the last 24 hours…

Drag Me to Hell – One of our five “best-of’s” from past marathons.  This one’s a classic and any horror fan with half a brain will understand why this movie is brilliant, hilarious, and supreme.  If you’ve yet to see it, go see it now.  I recommend watching with a group, but if you’re a loser, watch it alone.  I’ve seen this one a bunch of times recently so it was a very leisurely viewing.

Shoot ‘Em Up - I’ve been wanting to see this one for awhile and I’m glad I finally got to.  Utter ridiculousness and genre fun.  This movie has a ton of guns and violence and it doesn’t take itself seriously at all.  Clive Owen stabs people with carrots, delivers silly one-liners, and does a lot of crazy shit.  Paul Giamatti is a weirdo villain.

The Stupids – A mildly funny/amusing movie about an incredibly stupid family.  Their last name is literally “Stupid.”  Tom Arnold is the dad.  His name is Stanley Stupid.  Those are some facts.  As for opinion, it’s funny and silly and fun.  It ain’t great but I’d check it out if you have an hour or two to kill.  Unless you’re black, I guess.  Most of our black attendees hated this movie.  Guess stupid white folk humor is below them.  Right Dancy?

Teeth - Another “best-of” from the past.  A pro-abstinence teen has some crazy sharp teeth in her vagina.  Watch as she uses her lady parts as a weapon against high schoolers, doctors, relatives, and old dudes.  Wieners are severed, fun is had.  Watch it with the kids.

Pet Sematary - I’d been wanting to see this for awhile.  I’d seen parts growing up but never the whole thing.  Largely, it’s pretty boring and dull.  Especially if you’re watching it with a group of peoples.  The end is pretty cool.  Features a crazy deranged cat and little kid.  Wait, why am I explaining what happens in this movie?  You’ve probably already seen it.

Behind the Mask:  The Rise of Leslie Vernon – This movie RULES.  It’s a mockumentary that takes place in a reality where movie serial killers like Jason, Freddy, and Michael Myers exist.  So, a documentary film team follows around an up-and-coming star named Leslie Vernon who is trying to join the ranks of these immortal icons.  What ensues is brilliant, funny, and just plain awesome.  Super big ups special recommendation for horror fans.  Check it out if you’re even remotely cool.

Norbit - People hated this movie.  It probably won Razzies.  It’s really not that bad.  It’s actually pretty funny.  I’m not explaining what NORBIT is about because if you don’t know what it is, you’re either a snooty art jerk or a dead body.  If you don’t take it seriously, you’ll probably have fun.  How YOU doin’?

The Real Cancun – Another “best-of” from our movie-marathoning past.  This is one of the greatest movies ever made.  It’s MTV & The Real World’s attempt at meld The Real World and spring break into a movie.  You have a host of memorable characters saying and doing awesome stuff.  It’s quotable as hell, utterly hilarious, and downright perfect.  Watch with friends, enjoy for life.

Bad Biology – A girl and a guy are both having problems with their private parts.  Like, serious problems.  Watch as messed up stuff happens, people act awfully, and wieners detach themselves from their hosts, crawl around and bust through walls while looking like the most diseased thing ever.  Genre junk that genre people will enjoy.

Shivers – Bad idea to watch this one with a group.  It’s Cronenberg’s first movie.  I love me some Cronenberg.  It’s very slow, but creepy and Cronenberg-y nonetheless.  I feel the need to re-watch it sometime if I’m to judge it with any merit whatsoever.  Fatigue started setting in around this time, plus it was too slow and dull for any of us to pay a whole lot of attention.  Pretty good review, huh?

The Holy Mountain – (wait, I didn’t watch this one!)  Yet another “best-of” from before.  Total classic and one of my all-time favorites.  I didn’t watch it since I saw it very recently and I needed some time to rest.  Just figured I’d let you know that SOME people watched it.  If you’ve never seen it, SEE it.  I don’t care who you are.

Soul Plane - Pretty decent and funny.  Norbit was way better.  Features some of the most incredibly bad CGI (the exterior of the plane) I’ve ever seen.  It’s also got a pretty cool performance from Mo’Nique before she got all dramatic and Precious on the world.

Zombie Strippers! – There’s zombies loose, then there’s a strip club.  Then the strippers become zombies and eat their clientele.  The main stripper/lead of the movie is Jenna Jameson.  As you can imagine, it’s some Academy Award type stuff.  Throw in a ton of blood, gore, one-liners, and some Titanic-sized heavy-handed political/religious stupidness and voila.  You’ve got THIS movie.

The Room – The final “best-of” from the past.  It’s a classic, it’s great, it’s terrible, it’s funny, it rules, best soundtrack, best acting, best plot, best everything.  If you haven’t heard of this excellent, monumental, epic piece of modern cinema via Renaissance-man mastermind Bulbosaur named TOMMY WISEAU, then just exit out tha browser, call da Batman, find da Hamburglar and sit down with a copy of this movie and prepare for some enjoyment.  You can watch it hundreds of times and still be wow-ed by the pure spectacle of what you’re watching.  It’s like Jurassic Park.

Heading into watching this movie, I had some high hopes.  I absolutely love Trading Places, and after watching it recently with some of my fellow co-writers, Dave and Dancy told me I need to see Coming to America, if I haven’t already.  Well I finally got around to it and I was pretty disappointed.  I’d heard so many good things, and it fell pretty flat actually.

Eddie Murphy and Arsenio hall play really boring, unfunny main characters.  Fortunately, they also play a few other characters thanks to some good makeup work, and these characters are much more entertaining and funny.  By far the coolest thing about Coming to America is the little homage it makes to Trading Places. Murphy plays an infinitely rich African prince, and in one scene, he gives a wad of cash to the now homeless Mortimer and Randall from Trading Places. It’s a short scene, but very cool.

I also didn’t really care for the plot and love story that’s driving the movie.  I have nothing against love stories or people looking for love in movies, but it was pretty whatever here.  And on top of it, there’s an immensely awful matte painting backdrop that’s supposed to pass as the top of a castle and African jungle in the background, but it looks like some shit straight outta Plague Town.

So!  Never saw Trading Places or Coming to America?  Well, let me break it down…

Do you enjoy bad matte paintings (and not just to laugh at)?  Do boring love stories in comedies interest you?  Do you like when main characters are dull and unfunny?  Do you like Stewie Anderson?  If so, check out Coming to America.

But!  If you enjoy Philly in the 80′s, Dan Akroyd, Santa Claus stuffing salmon into his jacket, a homeless Eddie Murphy, interesting role-reversal plots for revenge, the stock market, and funny things, then Trading Places is for you.  Man that movie rules.

No matter what the media tells me, there is one thing I know to be true: movies are not real life. Except documentaries, but you know what I mean. And this is why a lot of people like going to the movies…for the escape.

Now, this is usually pretty clear when you’re watching a movie, seeing as people will often act strangely, as if in order to solely move a story along, say things that sound like they were slaved over by a writer, and have conversations in which they expel so much exposition, you’ll wonder who asked. But one of the very first things that can alert me to the very “movie-ness” of a movie are the little things. When a camera flies through a glass window that is then opened by a character; when the hero picks up a box of his favorite, fictional, pun-oriented cereal to make himself breakfast; and sometimes something as obvious as a character’s name.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not a bad thing. In fact, sometimes a characters name is what makes them so appealing: Snake Plissken, Popeye Doyle, Beatrix Kiddo, etc. Now, who in the hell have you ever met named “Snake”? And that’s why we go to the movies: because everyone wants to know more about a guy named “Snake”, and why he’s so much more interesting than the rest of us. Hell, Tarantino knew that The Bride’s name was so cool, he treated it like an expletive.

Which leads us to our list. I don’t know if it’s directorial influence, or he just has that certain special something when it comes to picking movies with ridiculously named characters, but Michael Bay seems to have formed a career around these types of people.

And so, if I may be allowed to express my humble opinion, I present my latest Ultra-Specific List:

Top Five Greatest Character Names In Michael Bay Movies

Honorable Mention: All of the Clones In The Island

Now, I don’t want to get sucked into the very topical issues that this movie presents involving the civil liberties of cloned celebrities, but not only are the clones technically not real people, also, their names are simply serial numbers used to identify the make and model of their production. So, while having main characters named “Lincoln Six Echo” and “Jordan Two Delta” is pretty awesome, since the people they’re named after have pretty normal names like “Tom Lincoln” and “Sara Jordan”, I couldn’t live with myself if they were included on this list. It’s that important to me.

5. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf in Transformers)

Yes, I know “Sam” isn’t a very interesting name, and that is why he’s at number five, but there’s just something about “Witwicky” that makes me smile. Maybe it’s because it could be a company that makes wickets with funny slogans on them, or the sound a human beat-box makes when they’re trying to replicate a record scratching, but it makes me wonder what went wrong when his great-grandfather reached Ellis Island all those years ago. They change “Olyentikoff” to “Oldman”, but they leave “Witwicky” alone?

4. Anyone With A Military Ranking In The Rock

Why wasn’t Patton called Bullethead? Because it wasn’t The Rock, that’s why. I mean, with names like “Francis X. Hummel”, “Frye”, “Crisp”, “Scarpetti”, “Gamble”, “Cox”, “Baxter”, and “Dando”, I wonder why more movies don’t have more fun with the names of their military officials. Less “Lt. Dan’s”, more “Lt. Dando’s”.

3. Lt. Red Winkle (Ewan Bremner from Pearl Harbor)

Now, I haven’t seen Pearl Harbor, but if there were a reason to…nah, never mind. I wouldn’t see this movie because of one character’s name. It’s got too much going against it. However, I think the name “Red Winkle” is pretty cool. It makes me think of laundry detergent or a gay laundry detergent spokesman.

2. Floyd Poteet (Michael Shannon in Bad Boys II)

Now, I love Michael Shannon in everything I’ve seen him in, and I really want to see both Bad Boys movies. But the name (Hurricane) Floyd Poteet just makes me want to see them even more. It’s kind of like the opposite of Pearl Harbor. It just makes me think of a bird with a clogged throat. Picture it; you’ll get what I’m saying.

1. Rockhound (Steve Buscemi in Armageddon)

As if they needed any more reason for you to think, “These guys were destined to blow up an asteroid headed for New York City, and save the world”, the fact that one of the drilling crew member’s names includes the word “rock” just made it that much more obvious. And the fact that Steve Buscemi plays this guy doesn’t hurt. It’s like, I need someone in this movie to be the crazy wild card, the guy who doesn’t have a real name because he’s just crazy, but I’m going to form an attachment to him that’s different than that which I form with the other characters. Like, I want him to succeed, but we’re close too, like he’s a distant uncle who I’ve just met and formed an instant bond with. And that man’s name is “Uncle Rockhound”. Can’t you just picture this guy driving down some back road in West Virginia, blasting “Werewolves of London” while chugging a beer? I can. And that’s why he’s number one.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I know you have all been eagerly anticipating my reviews so here, have some.

191. Out of Africa- 1985 Academy Award Winner, Best Picture. Alright, as we all know, Meryl Streep is most likely the best actress that has ever lived. And in this movie, her performance is just as good as any other. However, after the nearly three hour movie is complete, if you have not aged at least two days then you have a high tolerance for pain. This flick is way boring. The story is based on a real life woman who was apparently…. boring. The love story between Meryl and Robert Redford, which encompasses the majority of the movie is decent, but… you know.

192. The Science of Sleep- Although this is nowhere near my favorite Michel Gondry film, it is fairly enjoyable. Gael Garcia Bernal is hilarious as a man with an ability for creation, both in reality and in his dreams. This is a humorous and sweet look into the dreams of a man experiencing many different emotions. Creative imagery and a cute little love story wrap it all together.

193. Rambo- After 20 years, Sylvester Stallone decided to update one of my favorite action movie franchises. He took a new route, however, as this third sequel crushes its predecessors in the violence department. Sly makes a kick-ass movie and a political statement about Cambodian genocide all in an hour and a half. Screw the politics though. This is about decapitations, explosions, and gallons and gallons of blood. The character of John Rambo has far less involvement than in the previous entries, which is a bit of a downer, but he still does a lot of ass kicking which makes it worth a view.

195. The Man Who Knew Too Little- I had been anticipating this Bill Murray comedy for a while, and I finally sat down to watch it. The concept is very cool and very funny. A man becomes part of a “real life” acting set in the streets of England. But somehow the fake set turns into a real criminal situation. Bill Murray carries on through the fray thinking he is still in a movie. What ensues is a good supply of comedy. Although some of the scenes are a bit ridiculous and some attempts fall a little flat, overall this movie is worth a see. If only to see Bill Murray because he is just a funny dude.

196. Once Bitten- I watched this movie with Josh one night for the sole reason that it is Jim Carrey’s first movie. The movie is about a vampiress searching for virgin blood to keep herself young. Mostly, this movie is pretty crappy. The whole idea is sorta lame. Anything that is completely 80s will usually turn out to be horribly annoying. And any movie with its own 80s pop theme song is doomed to fail. The one highlight is seeing the emergence of Jim Carrey. There are a few glimpses of what someday will become the Jim Carrey we all know and love.

197. Black Christmas- I realize this is a cult classic, but I don’t really see its appeal at all. There are no frighteneing moments, no gore, the main actress has an accent that is barely audible… ok, I kind of see its appeal. But at the same time this is just not a good movie. The ending is left to be ambiguous and scary, and sometimes that works. In this case, it doesn’t. I really don’t care who the killer was. He doesn’t interest me. Also, this movie has VERY little to do with Christmas.

199 and 200. Iron Man/ Iron Man 2- I decided to co-review these movies because for one, if you haven’t seen Iron Man yet, you probably don’t want to. And for two, there is no real reason to review them separately. The sequel is not as good as the original, its true. But it was far from disappointing. Iron Man 2 is a very suitable and well-made sequel. It is just about everything you can really expect. One thing I really loved about the new movie is the increased references to The Avengers (be sure to watch after the credits). Even though there are a few different plots going on at once, it is nowhere as dull and convoluted as Spider-Man 3. If anything, it made me anticipate even more all of the Marvel adventures we will be having over the next couple of years. As for my review of Iron Man, it is one of the best superhero movies ever made. So go see it.

That wraps it up for this blog. Behave yourselves.

#171 – ALIEN – GREAT
I remember not liking this 1979, RIDLEY SCOTT directed sci-fi/thriller the first time I saw it, oh, probably ten years ago. I must’ve been high on meth. Yes, I was 13 years old and addicted to meth. Seriously though, I must have not watched it with the utmost attention or, more likely, I guess I was just a dumb 13 year old looking to see a ton of the actual alien itself and wasn’t into the taut suspense built up by the lack of aliens in ALIEN. This movie is excellent for a thousand reasons, and now, thanks to Kyle, I am looking forward to seeing the next three in this series. See this if you like being scared, enjoy naked SIGOURNEY, have an affection for dudes in alien costumes, and get some kicks out of the fact that in the ’80s- the future still used CRT computer monitors.

#172 – HAROLD AND MAUDE – GREAT
RUTH GORDON is officially one of my favorite old biddy actresses. She holds this movie together with her endearing insanity. This movie is hilarious, sad, and involves more suicides by the same person than any other movie in history. See this if you like suicide, crazy-ass old ladies, funerals and inter-generational love stories.

#173 – STARTUP.COM – BAD
Just bad. A documentary should be: A-interesting, B-understandable, C-audible, and FOUR-about something. STARTUP.COM has one of these requirements. The missing 3 make it horrible. See this if you’re fucking stupid like me.
NOW ON XFINITY ONDEMAND!!!

#174 – BASIC INSTINCT – AWESOME
Besides the fact that BASIC INSTINCT is hardcore porn (practically), and that it’s story revolves around a woman killing men with an ice pick, and that SHARON STONE has the vocab of a sailor…it’s really a nice, family flick. IT’S NOT! AT ALL!!! It does, however, rule very hard. With an iron fist, it rules. AND NOW…TEN REASONS TO SEE BASIC INSTINCT!:
1) SHARON STONE is hot and buck naked for like half the damn movie.
2) MICHAEL DOUGLAS is hot and buck naked for like a third the damn movie.
3) Ice pick murders are gruesome and bangin’.
4) ‘Tis a taut thriller with suspense and other good stuff throughout.
5) Excellent acting by all of the cast including that guy from the first few seasons of the now deceased LAW AND ORDER. RIP.
6) PAUL VERHOVEN.
7 – 10) NAKED SHARON STONE!!!!

#175 – ORPHAN – GREAT
One of 3 amazing horror movies of 2009. See ORPHAN if you like child killers and insane, twisty, weird endings.

BOOM!