I feel like there are so many movies out there, even for a form of entertainment that is less than a century old, that are widely considered to be the best examples of what the medium of film can be. Some of these I agree with, and some I don’t.

My personal favorites vary from being on these list, and being far from them. I can appreciate why certain people love the same movies I do, though maybe for different reasons, and why they might also hate some of the movies I love. A movie might have well-developed characters with an interesting arc and an original story that takes unforeseeable twists and turns, but if you don’t like the composition of the shots or the soundtrack, none of that matters. Or you could just be a jerk and say, “It’s stupid cause it looks stupid.” Either way, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.

And this is mine. And since this is the forum for this kind of talk, and since no one’s posted anything in the last five days, I might as well let it be heard.

So, every time I watch one of my favorite movies of all time, I’m going to come on here and justify it. Because I know that for every one of them, there’s someone out there who hates it. And I don’t care. It doesn’t have to be everyone’s favorite movie to be mine.

So, we’ll start with Rushmore.

I first saw Rushmore when I was about fourteen, a freshman in high school, and I think I was just starting to really get into movies. The Royal Tenenbaums was about to come out, and I had been reading about it, seeing the trailers, wanting to see it more and more as it got closer to its release date. So, I figured the next best thing to do would be see the other widely available collaboration between Wes Anderson and that guy with the weird nose from The Haunting, Rushmore.

As soon as the Creation song “Making Time” comes blaring out with images of this strange little man in these thick glasses fencing and beekeeping and stamp collecting, along with a multitude of other activities shot with the same catalogue sensibility that Wes Anderson has become famous for, I knew this was something different. At the time, I’d never seen anything like this before, and other than in his other movies, I still haven’t seen anything like it really. You can see bits and pieces of similar shots in some of Martin Scorcese and Stanley Kubrick’s movies, the centering, the composition of actors in the frame, but never has it been done so consistently in a movie as to let it become, and exist in, its own universe, quite like it’s done in Wes Anderson’s movies. I’ve come to love this style in all of Anderson’s movies, but I guess I can understand why some people don’t. This isn’t reality, but it’s not so far off that it’s unrecognizable. It’s life from a certain point of view, which any distinguishable director should try to utilize. Otherwise, what’s the point in trying to have a point of view at all.

But aside from the direction, here we’ve got two of the greatest original characters of probably the last twenty years: Max Fischer and Herman Blume (played by Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray). Now, I’ve hated movies for having characters like Max Fischer in them (Smart People, The Squid and the Whale, etc.), but the difference is, where those movies have assholes hiding under the guise of intellectualism, Max Fischer is not intelligent. He is one of the worst students at Rushmore and despite being involved in dozens of clubs, sports, activities, and rallies he is just not a very good student. He’s clever and thrifty, but he’s also kind of dumb, and it often comes out when he’s challenged by people smarter than him. He loves the idea of “school”, but not the educational basis behind it.

And Herman Blume is a character we’ve seen many times before: the older, wiser man who is just sick of his life, but stuck with nowhere else to go. But somehow, and maybe it’s got more to do with Bill Murray’s performance than anything else, he is the best example of this archetype than any other version of it I’ve seen before. He doesn’t let his position keep him from exploding into violent outbursts, or being completely honest about it. He hates his family and lets them know it. He’s got nothing left to lose, and let’s that motivate him towards taking not risky, but downright stupid bets on the worst student at Rushmore, and pursuing a relationship with a woman who he knows is in love with a dead man.

But beyond the music, and the dialogue, and the amazing direction and story of these two men being told here, what brings me back to this movie is this theme of what “Rushmore” means to Max. Near the beginning of the movie, as we’re just being introduced to these characters, as Herman asks Max what his secret is, how he can go through life with such an optimistic, overconfident attitude. And Max responds, “The secret…I don’t know. I guess you’ve just gotta find something you love to do and then do it for the rest of your life. For me, it’s going to Rushmore.”

Max is lucky enough to have, after sixteen years of life, found his one thing that he loves, while most people, including Herman, have lived their whole lives and still haven’t found it. And it’s this great idea that there’s something out there worth living for, and all we’ve got to do is find it and keep pursuing it, that I love about this movie. Seeing this at around the same age that Max is, I looked around and thought about what I was doing with my life. The point of all the homework, why I was bothering to try and learn all of this information that I would either never need or forget before I did. It was at this point that I realized that academia…eh, not my Rushmore.

So, I did the work, got the grades I needed. But as I kept finding more movies like this, watching them, listening to commentaries, learning about making movies, trying to make good movies, I think I found something there. I felt that if I could make something like this, I would’ve finally been satisfied. This is one of the films that makes me want to make films.

And that is why Rushmore is one of my favorite movies.

Of the four main writers on That Was Junk (excluding jat59072), I think that I may be the largest comedy connoisseur. That isn’t to say that the others don’t like comedy. It just holds a special place in my heart. Whether it be the classics of Billy Wilder, teen comedies of the 70s and 80s, or the more modern genius of Carrey and Sandler, I have always had a strong appreciation for those who can make us laugh. That is why I have to offer my concerns for the future of comedic art.

My first complaint can be summed up in a name: Judd Apatow. Apatow has single-handedly changed the world of comedy in the 21^st century. And that, my friends, is a bad thing. Whether he is directing or producing, he seems to have his finger dipped in about 85% of the comedy world. His dirty, dirty finger. Now I won’t say that some things in some of his movies aren’t funny. Walk Hard, in my opinion is a work of genius. But the style that Apatow has brought to the cinema world is causing a huge ripple effect. His style of dumb comedies with a smart plot is going too far. It seems as if every comedy tries to be just that. He attempts to make comedies for comedians. But somehow, the entire world gets it. That doesn’t make sense. People are stupid!

Number two is a more specific attack on an Apatow-era monster: improvisation. Now don’t get me wrong, I think improv is great. It is one of the strongest tools of a true comedic actor. But that is where the problem lies. Most of today’s actors aren’t funny! They all have enough acting ability to appear humorous when following a script. But when watching a movie, it is pretty obvious where the script ends and the improv begins. If you don’t know, look for the random dialogue that goes on forever. Apparently to a modern comedian, that is improv. Step Brothers is a perfect example of this type of travesty. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are brilliant comedy actors. They truly understand what is funny. Or so I thought. I’m no professional comedian, but I could associate a bunch of random items and words and come up with a sentence just as funny as anything said in that movie. I am so tired of the randomness of comedy. Whole scenes are added to comedies. Not to move the plot along. Instead, they are added to set up one or two jokes from out in left field somewhere. Personally for me, as a writer, this sets the bar very low for what people consider to be funny.

My final complaint is The Hangover. The movie is funny. Some parts are down-right hilarious. Zach Galifinakis is superb, and I am glad he is finally being recognized for his comic skills. But the funniest movie ever? Really? Everybody I meet seems to have a special place in his or her heart for this movie. And I don’t get it. There is nothing about this movie that is better than a lot of other comedies I love. It doesn’t even have the funniest actors! Honestly, it isn’t even the funniest Todd Phillips movie. If you loooveeee The Hangover, take a little trip to the video store (if you can find one, if not add to your Netflix queue) and rent anything by the Coen Brothers. If they aren’t your taste, try the Farrelly Brothers.

That’s my rant for now. Thanks for reading my first column. I know most of you disagree with me. But that’s OK. I’m used to it. By the way, Napoleon Dynamite is one of the worst movies ever made.

2007. A pretty cool year as far as I’m concerned. Why, you might ask? Well, it has to do with the fact that 2007 provided us with a heaping bundle of fantastic movies. These types of years don’t come around often, and when they do, it flat out rules.  The world of cinema simply could not recuperate from 2007′s awesomeness, as evidenced by a disappointing 2008.  It had a couple really great movies, but not a lot of depth.  2009, on the other hand, brightened the movie landscape up quite a bit.  It was a year of fantastic blockbusters and was almost on par with 2007.  Almost.  The problem is, 2007 had so many movies I would consider absolutely GREAT that it’s hard to live up.  So, I’ve done a little bit of research within my own files as well as the internet to unearth my 10 Favorite Movies of 2007.

10. Superbad
Now I may get some shit from Josh, Dave, and maybe even Dancy for liking this movie, but fuck it.  Superbad is most definitely a noteworthy memory from 2007.  I can remember seeing it on opening night with a packed crowd and having a very memorable theater experience.  It was an absolute blast.  Now, while my tastes have changed a bit from August of 2007, I still very much like this movie.  Sure there’s some bits that don’t work (the cops), but it’s definitely my favorite Apatow/Apatow-related movie.  What makes it special or different than the others?  Well, Cera and Hill work really well together for some consistent laughs.  On top of that, the plot and story is interesting to me.  I love movies dealing with high school and high school experience.  Furthermore, there’s some great music and quality direction.  There’s much more going on than just a bunch of jokes.  It’s a fully formed movie.  I can’t help but feel like a lot of Apatow movies are no deeper than the jokes and curses and dicks and wacky characters.  And all that stuff is fine, but nothing else stands up to Superbad. It offers more than just jokes and vulgarity and is a complete, rounded, borderline awesome movie.

9. Grindhouse
I saw Grindhouse alone when it came out.  And not on opening night.  It was on a weekday a week or two after it was first released.  That didn’t at all take away from the experience it was.  Sure, seeing it opening night with a bunch of genre freaks would’ve certainly added to it, but I was still in awe of the fun and spectacle that it was.  Everything about it is complete homage nostalgia, and it’s all so very enjoyable.  Well, Death Proof isn’t ALL enjoyable, but it’s still damn fun (not to mention great film-making).  Robert Rodriguez and Planet Terror satisfy the horror crowd by giving slime, filth, splatter, gore, cheesy bad acting, and utter ridiculousness in heaping, disgusting globs.  Quentin Tarantino and Death Proof gives Aussie exploitation movies an immense homage via some downright AMAZING, wreckless, and suspenseful car chase scenes.  It’s real people doing really crazy shit with really fast cars.  Tarantino may have misfired a bit with his usually great dialogue, but it’s made up for.  And probably the most special thing about the entire package is that between these two movies, the fake trailers.  Now, they may not be so fake anymore, since Machete’s coming out in September and others are “rumored” to be in pre-production, but whatever.  They’re still utterly hilarious.  Flaws and all, Grindhouse is a completely special and great celebration of movies that don’t always get celebrated… not to mention an incredible theater experience.

8. The King of Kong:  A Fistful of Quarters
One of the greatest documentaries ever made.  It’s got a whole lot going for it.  One, it’s filled with weird, wacky characters.  I mean, it’s a documentary about hardcore classic-style arcade gamers.  That’s just a goldmine of character goodness.  They’re nerds and it’s great.  Beyond the fantastic characters is the story of Steve Wiebe vs. Billy Mitchell.  It’s one of the best, most involving good vs. evil plot lines ever.  There’s no way you can watch the movie without taking a side or becoming enthralled with what’s going on between the two.  Even the most jaded, “omg they’re crazy, it’s just Donkey Kong” viewer will become engrossed in the epic battle between Wiebe and Mitchell.  The story itself is definitely compelling, but it’s a testament to how well-made the movie is.  Director Seth Gordon does an expert job of juggling so much and making it all work perfectly.  There are countless documentaries about weird nerds and weird people in general, but it takes a talented director to craft it into something interesting.  Gordon takes these characters, their back stories, the world of classic arcade-style gaming, their battles and makes even the most uninterested, cynical asshole care.  By the end, you’ll be yelling at the screen you care so much.

7. The Mist
Part of what makes The Mist so awesome is everything about it.  It does everything right as a sci-fi/creature horror movie.  Frank Darabont takes a story by Stephen King and delivers something completely terrifying and amazing.  When it comes to sci-fi/creature horror movies, there’s always a tendency to show the creature in great detail as much as possible.  It’s rarely as effective as keeping the creature a mystery.  In The Mist, you see some smaller creatures for payoff, but you KNOW there’s bigger, badder, and crazier things out there, but just like the characters, you don’t really see them ’til it’s over.  It adds to the sense of confusion and dread, going up against something you don’t understand.  Even the smaller creatures you see end up being scary as hell because you see what kind of mayhem they’re capable of.  On top of this awesomeness you get a group of trapped humans who start to show how much they suck very quickly.  The movie has a definite tinge of “human beings are shitty idiots” to it, and I love that about it.  Oh yeah, and not to mention it’s got a truly awesome ending.  I’ve read that Darabont said from the very beginning that he would not get involved unless he got to use the ending he did.  Cheers to you, Frank Darabont.  It’s so very worth it.

6. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
The most perfectly, beautifully shot movie I’ve ever seen.  There’s plenty of other movies with spectacular cinematography and great shots scattered within them, but nothing is as consistently perfect as this movie.  All hail Roger Deakins.  Beyond the stunning visuals, there’s an immensely interesting movie.  Now, many people complain that the movie is slow and boring, but I was thoroughly engrossed the entire time.  I tend to like movies that sympathize with an outlaw or “bad guy” of society, and Jesse James delivers in this respect.  The movie focuses on the tail-end of James’ career, rather than taking the easier route of focusing on his baddie outlaw prime.  There’s a sense of tiredness and paranoid from James that resonates throughout the movie, creating a feeling of gradual suspense and closing in.  On top of that, there’s a very solid cast of big and small characters that round out the movie.  It’s most definitely on par with the powerhouses of There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men.

5. Southland Tales
A truly confusing, messy, ridiculous amalgamation of a movie.  Everything about this movie is weird as shit.  The cast, the premise, the tone, the acting.  It’s all congealed into a huge lopsided ball of candle wax, rubber bands, and Toyota Tercel’s.  I promise that makes as much sense as Southland Tales upon your first viewing.  If you manage to make it through that viewing and for some reason crave another, you will see the light of God.  Richard Kelly created something truly special here.  How it got funded and made is a mystery for the ages.  It’s a movie that epitomizes the 00′s and does so with an undertone (actually, it’s pretty obvious) of humor that went way over most peoples’ heads.  People hate the fucking movie.  They revile at its’ mention.  They’re idiots, I promise.  I probably am too, but watch the movie KNOWING it’s supposed to be a joke and you will enjoy it.  It’s actually quite refreshing that Kelly took the 00′s and some heavy-handed crap themes like time travel, near-future apocalypse, and the energy crisis so lightly.  Rather than giving us a bullshit social commentary on these annoying hot topics, it’s taken to an extreme of ridiculousness and comedy.  There’s no societal lessons to take away from Southland Tales, so if you’re looking or hoping for some, you’re an idiot.  Well actually, I guess there is one.  Pimps don’t commit suicide.

4. Ex Drummer
What to say, what to say. Ex Drummer is a movie that does everything right. It’s incredibly violent, hilarious, masterfully shot, completely over-the-top, and has one of the best soundtracks I’ve ever heard. It’s bound to offend and is rough on a lot of groups (old people, gays, women, simple townsfolk). Get over it. Since seeing this, I knew I had to amend this list to include it, but the problem is trying to articulate how awesome a movie it is. Sure it’s not for everyone but I swear to god the genius director, Koen Mortier, knew exactly how to make a movie that would blow my mind. It’s a movie you have to see and experience for yourself. My words are insufficient.

3.  There Will Be Blood
A flat-out masterpiece.  It’s a demonstration of expert film-making by favorite director, Paul Thomas Anderson.  While this is in no way my favorite movie of his, it’s undeniably his most polished and mature movie yet.  In a lot of ways, it reminds me of Stanley Kubrick.  Anderson’s use of music and the gradual, relentless building of dread really summons up Kubrick in my mind.  It works.  As does so much of the movie.  I’ve come to think that this is definitely Anderson’s most rewarding work upon repeat viewings.  I can remember loving it the first time I saw it, but since then, each viewing has made me appreciate and enjoy it more and more.  The acting and dialog is perfectly executed by Daniel Day-Lewis, and Paul Dano’s performance shines brighter each time I see it.  One thing I appreciate more every time is what the movie is about.  I can relate to it, which might sound like a crazy thing to say, but whatever.  I can be a bit of a negative, hate everything and everyone type of guy sometimes.  So, it’s hard not to relate to or even enjoy or revel in Plainveiw’s misanthropy.  We all have our days of not being able to deal with “these people.”  In the end, the movie is an expertly crafted and executed movie from every possible front.  A grueling spectacle as we watch Daniel Plainview spiral further and further down to his end.

2.  No Country for Old Men
As far as I’m concerned, this movie is perfect.  Every frame, every second, every sound, every everything.  Part of what makes this movie so fantastic in my mind is how welcome a change it was for the Coen’s.  Sure it has some funny lines and characters and moments, but compared with their other work, it’s deadly serious.  Part of what makes this movie so special is the incredibly simplistic and pitch-perfect dialog.  All credit to Cormac McCarthy.  As for the Coen’s, they directed the fuck out of it.  It’s insane to me how masterful the direction and film-making is in both No Country and There Will Be Blood. Putting these two movies together in ANY year will make the entire year look amazing for movies.  But back to the Coens.  Their use (or rather non-use) of score or music in the movie is truly special.  It creates an incredible sense of realism, tension, and dread in so many places.  On top of that, the movie is beautifully shot by Mr. Roger Deakins.  It’s mind-boggling he shot both this and Jesse James in the same year.  I would kiss the man if I could.  And oh yeah, the acting is stellar as well.  There’s really no great way to sum up how perfect the movie without sounding repetitive.  It’s a testament to how speechless and mind-boggled I become just thinking about the movie.

1. Zodiac
Okay, so No Country is “perfect?”  Well then how can it be #2?  That doesn’t make sense!  Okay, but it does.  Zodiac is my favorite movie of 2007.  I don’t think it’s perfect, but so what?  I like it more than any other movie released that year.  In actuality, it’s pretty close to perfect in my mind.  This movie has a lot of things going for it that make it so awesome to me.  One, it’s about the Zodiac.  I really like and am intrigued by serial killers, and ones as fetishistic and interesting as the Zodiac really tickle my interests.  He never got caught, there’s all these letters, phone calls, CYPHERS!  There’s oh so much fodder for fetishism.  That brings me to part two of what’s so awesome about this movie:  it’s about obsession, not The Zodiac.  To me, it’s far more interesting to follow the story of the evidence and obsession and tips and suspects and investigations than focusing ONLY on the killings.  Sure, the killings are interesting, and we get to see ‘em, but the police-work and detective stuff, that’s the real attention grabber.  The movie sucks you into this vortex of obsession and clues and handwriting and small small details and you become just as obsessed and involved as the characters trying to crack the case.  And then of course there’s a monstrous cast of fantastic talent from big roles to small and great direction from David Fincher and soundtrack and countless other things that make it my absolute favorite movie of 2007.

Upon finally watching Dolph Lundgren’s 1991 action classic Showdown In Little Tokyo, I was constantly struck by a number of surprising things: that I had not seen this already, how impressive Dolph’s American accent was, among many other things. However, the one thing surprised me the most is how many different ways Dolph’s character, Sgt. Chris Kenner, avoids being shot by the bad guys.

Now, this being an action movie from the early 90s, you know there’s going to be countless waves of bad guys, usually members of some gang, all armed with infinitely loaded machine guns, who can’t hit the hero for shit.

And Showdown In Little Tokyo is no exception to this rule.

However, some of the methods Chris Kenner uses to escape gunfire in Showdown are just so…unexpected and, well, impressive, that I just couldn’t help but want to alert the world about this incredible movie.

And so, I present another Ultra-Specific List:

The Top 5 Best Ways Dolph Lundgren Avoids Being Shot In Showdown In Little Tokyo

#5: Ducking Behind A Table In A Local Café

Now, this is at number five because, let’s face it, hiding behind a table in a restaurant to avoid  being shot by the bad guys is nothing new. However, this being Dolph Lundgren in a Japanese café, the visual alone of this 6’5” Swedish giant trying to hide behind a two foot piece of wood is too good to be ignored.

So, you see a group of mobsters with automatic weapons shooting at you through a shattered window, what do you do?

#4: Wearing a Sweet Japanese Invincibility Headband

This has less to do with any kind of skill at avoiding bullets, and more with wearing a magical headband that not only makes one look twenty times more badass, but is also a reverse gunshot wound magnet.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: But it’s only a headband? How can it keep someone from getting shot? That’s ridiculous!

Well, while it’s more of an implied power, as soon as the headband is removed, what happens?

Coincidence? I think not.

#3: Jumping Over the Guys With the Guns…And Their Car

So, a group of angry gangsters are driving towards you in the middle of a crowded city street, shooting at you, and there’s nowhere to go. What do you do?

Easy. You jump over the bullets. And the car.

Duh.

#2: Reverse Psychology

So, Dolph is staring down the barrel of the Big Bad’s gun, he’s already been shot, there’s five minutes left in the movie and anything’s possible. He can’t beg for his life, that’s just what this scumbag wants. So, what does he do?

He says, “Go ahead…use your gun! You don’t have the honor to fight like a man!”

Bingo! Telling a Japanese guy he has no honor, is like telling a boxer he hits like a girl. So, he drops the gun, and picks up a sword. Big mistake.

If Dolph Lundgren ever challenges to a man on man fight of any kind, politely decline, otherwise he’ll stab you to a pinwheel.

And set off the fireworks.

#1:  Use the Bottom of A Car As A Shield

In a classic action movie scenario, Chris Kenner finds himself outnumbered by the gun wielding gang members.

He’s got to escape, but if he hops in the getaway car, they’ll be able to shoot him for sure.

So, instead of trying to pick them off one by one and wasting valuable time, he bends down, gets a good grip, and flips the car.

And then blows it up.

Great.

So, in conclusion, if you want to see an awesome action movie that barely follows any laws of physics or logic, but kicks ungodly amounts of ass, see Showdown In Little Tokyo.

I believe Chris Kenner’s partner, Johnny Murata, said it best when he turned to Chris and says, “Kenner, just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you that you have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen on a man.”

Well said, Johnny, well said.

Hello and welcome to another exciting rendition of FIVEGOO.  This time, Josh chose the topic of Favorite Movie Villains.  This was quite appropriate, as IFC and Empire dually recognize June to be “Movie Villain Month!”  We had a lot of fun with this one, especially because we filmed it on a porch.  Check out what we said, but don’t respond.  Thanks!

Hollywood Video, Blockbuster, Movie Gallery, TLA, Suncoast and others like them are shutting their doors soon because of a little amazing invention called Netflix. Although this is quite sad in some respects, it is also a great thing for collectors of fine digital film discs. What am I talking about? Well I’ll tell you, rock star. Due to their closing, stores such as Hollywood and Blockbuster are trying to cut their losses ass much ass possible. This means they’ve been forced to sell every goddamn thing they own. Including, but not exclusive to -  shelving, bubble gum machines, candy, pre-packaged pickles, office supplies, posters and most excitingly and importantly – DVDS!!!!! It’s fucking great. About a two months ago, a Blockbuster in Springfield, PA announced they were permanently shutting their doors as of the end of May. Previously viewed DVDs started at 10 percent off their original price but I knew this wasn’t as low as they’d go (due to an insider tip) so I waited it out. Five days before the official death of the Springfield, PA Blockbuster I took full advanatage of the ridiculously low prices. By that last week, DVDs were 60-70% off their market value. I got ten movies. 10! PREMIUM USED VIDEOS for 35 dollars. I cried a single tear of joy that day.

I strongly encourage you to seek out these so-called ‘dying stores’ and spend your entire paycheck buying used copies of THE CONDEMNED.

Some Closing Stores:
Blockbuster in Lansdowne, PA
Blockbuster in Old Forge, PA
Blockbuster in Media, PA
Blockbuster in Reading, PA
Hollywood Video in Ewing , NJ
Hollywood Video in Dover, DE
Hollywood Video in York, PA
Hollywood Video in Fishtown, Philadelphia, PA

BOOM!

A Single Reason I LOVE ERASERHEAD:
Every cut starts a new room tone.

For those amateurs out there who are asking “what’s room tone”? – just think…The tone (sound) a room has/gives when audio is recorded in it. A warehouse with a fish tank and an old ventilation system will probably sound like a big, cement or wooden room with some water flowing in it and creeky air flow. Every time a shot changes in David Lynch’s only good movie, so does the sound of the space. It forces the audience to become increasingly uncomfortable and paranoid-two very obvious goals of the film maker to begin with. I love that about ERASERHEAD.

BOOM!

P.S. I feel really lame and gay now.

It’s always so much easier to figure out why you don’t like a movie than to put into words why you do. After seeing a movie like Toy Story 3, you leave the theater smiling, thinking to yourself, “Wow, that was great!” But why was it great?

These are characters that almost everyone that I know has grown up with. In this movie, we are all Andy: a now grown up kid, unwillingly forced to leave his childhood behind him. Maybe that’s why this worked so well for me, as well as it seemed to work for the packed audience of other twenty-something I saw it with. Everyone was laughing uproariously, sometimes so much, I couldn’t hear dialogue for seconds at a time. Just as I’m sure there were many who were crying as the final minutes of the movie played, knowing that this was the end of this story, and seeing just how perfect that ending was.

But what was it that I loved so much about Toy Story 3? Instead of trying to dissect the development of these characters and their story, spanning three movies and fifteen years, I’ve instead compiled a short list of phrases that describe why I loved this movie, and would also make pretty good band names (in my opinion):

Mr. Evil Dr. Porkchop

Death By Monkeys

Big Baby

Chuckles’ Exposition

Silence The Monkey

Mr. Flatbread Head

El Buzz-O

Death In the Face of the Reverse Volcano!

From The College Box

The Last Playtime

Fantastic.

9.5 out of 10.

There’s not much to say about Jonah Hex, not only because it’s not a very good movie, but also because, with a running time of 80 minutes, there just isn’t much movie here to critique.

Normally, people criticize a movie for being too long, for having too many plots that don’t go anywhere, and filler that serves no purpose. Watching Jonah Hex, you can see that the problem is quite the opposite: there’s no room in this clip show of a movie for anything to happen. It feels like nothing happens because after something does happen, we’ve already moved onto the next thing, which doesn’t feel important at all, seeing as there’s no gravity to the situation. In addition to the feeling of disinterest the filmmakers seem to have with their own film, the audience can’t be bothered to care about anything because it’s over as soon as it’s introduced.

We’re introduced to our main character, educated on his otherworldly situation and all of his magical powers in a three minute, animated clip. The credits boast such actors as Michael Shannon, Wes Bentley, and Will Arnett, but combined, they all share about seven minutes of screen time. Relationships that are supposed to add depth and tension to the story are given single scenes to both be introduced and developed. Oh no, the local gunsmith who Jonah seems to like in the two-minute scene they’re in together might be in danger during the climax of the movie! Should we care?

No, because like the rest of the movie, everything happens exactly the way we expect it to. But, hey, at least they get it over quick!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad this wasn’t another blown-out, super blockbuster like Transformers 2, but it’s on the opposite end of the same spectrum. It doesn’t matter how long a movie is, if it’s an hour and twenty minutes or two hours and twenty minutes, as long as it tells a coherent story with characters we feel like we know and hopefully like. It’s all of the clichés, without the benefit of details.

Yeah, there’s a bad guy who wants use a doomsday device to blow up Washington, D.C., but we’re never told how it works (except that it explodes).

We’ve got a conflicted hero, who insists he’s better than his rival, but he literally blows up entire populated towns for $100.

We’ve got the tragic back-story of how our hero became what he is today, but it’s entirely glossed over in a series of vague sequences that result only in the laughter of the audience.

Actually, I’m not sure that an extended running time would make this movie any better, but it could’ve made it a little more…tolerable. If you’re going to show me a piece of shit, at least try to make me think you tried.

On a positive note, there’s one or two pretty awesome sequences, one involving Jonah Hex being resurrected, yet again. Although it completely drains any concern for Hex’s life from the audience (knowing he can’t ever really die), it’s pretty awesome to see. Also, (even though it’s more likely a result of a low budget) having Hex’s scarring be the result of makeup, and not CGI, helps avoid more potential awful effects. And the soundtrack by Marco Beltrami and MASTODON also helps…a lot.

It says, "The Eastwood template of the troubled anti-hero always gets slapped."

But it’s all too little in what’s already not much. Sorry, Josh Brolin…this won’t be your Dirty Harry. Hell, this won’t even be your Wild Wild West.

3 out of 10.

Welcome children to this week’s update of movies I have seen, reviewed especially for you. That’s right, you.

251. The Sound of Music- 1965 Academy Award Winner, Best Picture. In my quest to see every Oscar winner, for the most part the movies have been…. average. Some have been bad, some have been good, and some have fallen directly in the middle. That is why I was so surprised when I actually enjoyed this movie. A three-hour long musical didn’t immediately appeal to me, but I have to admit that the story is decent, and the music is catchy. It is the quickest three-hour movie I have ever seen. In 1964, Julie Andrews won the Best Actress award for her role in Mary Poppins. In that movie, she plays the part of a singing nanny. The following year she was once again nominated for an Academy Award for The Sound of Music. In this movie she played… a singing nanny. I guess we all know the part Julie Andrews was made to play.

252. Little Miss Sunshine- The first time I saw this movie, I laughed and enjoyed it. I waited three years to watch it again, and this time I laughed and LOVED it. This may be one of my all-time favorite movies. No movie to my recollection portrays a disjointed family the way that this one does. Each member of the family has some sort of weird issue, with the constant being the young daughter. The movie is funny in a realistic sort of way. And the message at the end of “family comes first” is very touching.

253. Remember the Titans- I am not necessarily a “sports movie” type of person. But in the case of this movie, I am willing to make a huge exception. I don’t know if the reason is because I loved it as a kid or because it really is a good movie, but I can’t help but love it. To me, this is far more than a sports movie. The football aspect is the least relevant part to me. Instead, it is a movie about intolerance and learning to let that intolerance go. Of course there are a couple of intense, “sports movie” type of lines that always get to me. This is a great movie for families. Especially kids.

255. The A-Team- I had been anticipating this movie since it was announced a long while back. I followed it through its casting and filming and when the first trailer came out, I was more than excited. I loved watching the TV show when I was a kid, so I hoped with all my heart that the movie would not just be a cheap imitation. My hopes came true. This movie is awesome. It was able to maintain the original concept of the show while at the same time becoming its own entity. The actors were cast perfectly. I would especially like to acknowledge Sharlto Copley for his excellent performance as H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdoch. If you are looking for a summer action movie with any type of reality, do not see this movie. In both the movie and the TV show, the A-Team is known for their unconventional, and unrealistic tactics. And it is those tactics that make this movie so much fun. I don’t go to the movies to see what is real. Every day of my life is real. The movies are the place to go to see the ridiculous.

OK, that’s enough.