My main gripe with most “Greatest Movies Of All Time” lists is usually the fact that they almost never consider how far the medium has come when they inevitably select all of the same movies that have been considered the “greatest movies of all time” since the creation of those lists in the first place. However, since that last sentence was very confusing and long, I’ll sum it up in the following few words: just because something is “influential” does not mean it’s “great”. Citizen Kane was one of the first mainstream movies that told its story non-chronologically, using mainly flashbacks, which were unheard of when it was released in 1941. But saying that makes it one of the best movies ever is like saying there haven’t been any good chairs since the invention of chairs. It’s ridiculous. If a movie is dated, overlong, and attempts to overcome its mediocre story with famous actors and gimmicky plot twists, but it’s also the first movie to cover racism in politics, that doesn’t make it one of the greatest movies of all time (that’s just an example, I know that’s not what Citizen Kane is about). However, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t movies that are both original, innovative, and hold up incredibly well.

For example, I’d like to present Billy Wilder’s Sunset Blvd.

Watching Sunset Blvd. now and continually being impressed with it more and more each time I watch it, I can’t imagine what people thought when it was released in 1950. Already known for broaching such unfavorable subjects as alcoholism, infidelity and murder in previous films, Wilder used Sunset Blvd. to tell the story of self-destructive Hollywood has-been Norma Desmond, her chance meeting of hack screenwriter Joe Gillis, and how their relationship would ultimately end in murder and insanity. However, in an unusual twist, Wilder starts the picture with the already dead Gillis narrating the story as we see his body floating at the surface of Norma’s pool, surrounded by police. As if the following story wasn’t gripping enough, revealing the fate of your main character in the first five minutes goes against everything about conventional storytelling, and yet, somehow it all works wonderfully.

The poor dope - he always wanted a pool. Well, in the end, he got himself a pool.

Now, while I do like this twist at the beginning, it isn’t why Sunset Blvd. is one of my favorite movies. There’s just something about Billy Wilder as a filmmaker and a storyteller that makes every movie he makes (or at least all of the ones I’ve seen) not only timeless, but also incredibly watchable. Even his lesser movies (as of this time, only Irma La Douce left me somewhat unimpressed) have still got their moments, and are usually worth seeing for the performances or stories alone. Here, everything I love about Wilder, the story, the characters, the actors portraying them, the camerawork, all comes together to create something kind of incredible. It’s a great noir, a really cool look inside Hollywood and how it works, and a fascinating study of the effects fame and popularity have on a person, especially after it’s all been taken away.

Gloria Swanson, herself an old silent film star who never really transitioned to talkies until this film, personifies the Norma Desmond character, dragging out the ends of sentences, and reminding us how before people didn’t need dialogue because they all had faces. Known mostly for her iconic, “Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up,” Swanson keeps Desmond just balanced enough between complete insanity and pathetic depression that the audience is never sure what she’ll do next, let alone which, if any, of her emotions are sincere. Seeing how Desmond deludes herself (with some help from Max, her manservant with a mysterious past) into believing that she is somehow relevant, and then lashing out at any reminder that she isn’t, at times makes Sunset Blvd. feel like a horror movie you can’t escape from.

It's the pictures got...HOLYSHITGETITAWAY!

Wilder, as well as co-writers Charles Brackett and D.M. Marshman, use Desmond, and the time Gillis spends with her as a cautionary tale for their fellow Hollywood friends and co-workers: fame comes at a cost, and the more of these people we make, the better the chances are that they’ll turn into monsters like this. With the revelation of Max’s true identity, as well as his role in the end, you start to wonder who really is in control when it comes to a Hollywood movie. How much power should we allow the face in conjunction with the rest of the body? And then how will it respond when it gets replaced for a newer model? These are all interesting ideas, and to see them play out the way they do, so unpredictably and with such accuracy, it makes sense why this won best original screenplay at the Oscars that year.

Billy Wilder made some fantastic films in his career, and just because this is my favorite of his doesn’t mean it was his best. It’s up there, definitely, but everyone’s got their favorite, and this just so happens to be mine. The story is impenetrable, the performances are captivating, the whole scope is so grand for such a small picture, and the whole thing comes together so perfectly, I find it hard not to love. And the fact that it popularized a few storytelling techniques and character archetypes doesn’t hurt its chances of popping up on a few of those Top 100 lists either, which, for once, I can agree with.

Look at that brilliant motherfucker.

And that’s why Sunset Blvd. is one of my favorite movies.

Read the Star Trek Series Review Part 1 here, Part 2 here, Part 3 here, and Part 4 here.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)

Going where no other installment of the Star Trek series had gone before, The Final Frontier was not only nominated, but also won the Razzie for Worst Movie of the Year. So, is it really that bad?

Well, no, but it’s not really very good either.

Now, as far as the story is concerned, here you’ve got Spock, Kirk, and Bones pulled from their shore leave camping trip to rescue some ambassadors who have been kidnapped by some Vulcan who turns out to be Spock’s long-lost half brother who takes them all on a journey beyond the great space barrier in a search for god, who it turns out, isn’t god at all, but a giant head who shoots lasers from his eyes and is easily destroyed by cannon fire from a Klingon Bird of War.

And at what point did no one look at this and say, “Huh?”

Aside from the blatant disregarding and brushing off of the character’s mythology in order to shoehorn in some brand new relatives and information, the whole adventure this time around feels so much more scattered than in previous installments. All of our main cast kind of shuffle from one planet or starship to another, making rash decisions and changing allegiances with seemingly little or no reason. In addition, the entire resolution, which also ties up the Klingon conflict with Kirk that’s spanned the last three movies, is all tied up inexplicably in less than five minutes. Along with some really stupid plot twists and special effects, all of these make The Final Frontier probably the worst of the original series of Star Trek movies.

However, while it may be the worst Trek movie so far, I find it hard to believe that it was the worst movie that was released in 1989. While, yes, it may be kind of stupid, it’s never unwatchable. In fact, there are several scenes that rival The Voyage Home in intentionally hilarity, including Chekov and Sulu getting lost in the woods, but too proud to ask for directions from Uhuru, and seeing Spock, Bones and Kirk attempt a three part harmony of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” (which is probably more unintentionally funny than it’s supposed to be, but still…). Also, with the whole search for God Spock’s half brother, Sybok (great name), leads them on brings up some interesting ideas considering the idea of an Eden planet, and that all monotheistic religions could be searching for the same god-like creature that could provide them with the answers they have been searching for. It makes for a nice companion piece to The Motion Picture, this time with humans taking the place of the super computer V’Ger as entities searching for answers from their creator.

However, these bright spots and comical moments are too few and far between, leaving the most devoted fan shaking their head, and the most general member of public scratching theirs.

4 out of 10.

To quote TIME’s band of the century, Staind, “It’s been a while”. And in this while I have done many a great thing. I’ve moved out of my parents humble home and into a town of fish, changed my email address 2wice, made a few phone calls, attended a Polish-American food festival/bazaar, eaten approximately 23 pierogies, bought 2 loaves of potato bread (i like potatoes), and watched many a movie, including but not exclusive to the following: YES MAN, CON AIR, DESPICABLE ME, THE CHAMBER, MR. NOBODY, LOTTERY TICKET, HARD EIGHT, APOLLO 13 AND PIRANHA 3D. Which brings me to my first review in 64 months, 14 days, 11 hours and 71 minutes -

PIRANHA 3D – UNWAVERINGLY AMAZING (new rating alert)

So yes, I might be a little retarded, and yeah, I may be a bit old school and uh huh, I could be tweekin’ on Rockstar [energy drink] right now, but I personally feel a clean conscience  in saying PIRANHA 3D is a fuckin’ banger! Number one, top of the charts, heart-pounding, unstoppable, undeniable force of cinema. First off – the title. It’s called PIRANHA 3D. Secondly and finally – it’s got tons of tits and tons of gore. Ol’ school. Piranhas killin’ people, people killin’ people, people killin’ piranhas, Doc Brown just killin’ it and Ms. Shue slaying my heart….BUT I DIGRESS! I never have much to say about a movie, especially if I love it, and this is no exception. I love PIRANHA 3D. Officially the only 3D movie I love, loved or will love…EVR.
Overall standings in my favorite movies of 2010 thusfar?…3rd. Just behind TOY STORY 3 and INCEPTION. I rulz.

See it if you like boobies, killer creatures and impressive background acting.

B to the double-O M, BOOM!

MASSIVE EDIT:

You know, nobody likes to admit when they’re wrong. But, unfortunately, I made the enormous mistake of thinking that somehow Chris Morris’ Four Lions was related to In the Loop, a very funny British satire that came out last year. However, I discovered today that despite believing this for the last few months, it turns out that they have nothing, absolutely nothing, in common, aside from a similar tone and style. While I will stick to my comparisons to In the Loop, please keep in mind that this movie and Chris Morris have nothing to do with In the Loop, and any connection that has been made between the two was created in my head for some strange reason. I apologize.

“I think you’re confused, bro.”

Satire is a tricky thing. Stray too close to the subject and there’s the danger of turning into parody, but don’t get close enough, and you’re point doesn’t get made. It seems that maintaining this balance had scared most writers from even attempting it, leaving one man (and his team of writers) to pick up that mantle: Chris Morris. Last year, Morris (along with said writers) made a big impression, and got an Oscar nomination, with their look at foolish politicians trying to talk their way around war with In The Loop, and this year they have seemingly surpassed their previous achievement with another satire, Four Lions.

Moving away from the politics somewhat, Four Lions tells the story of a small group of wannabe terrorists from Great Britain who fumble around with the various ideas and tactics necessary to be what they consider a presentable martyr. Unfortunately, despite the level-headed leadership of Omar (Riz Ahmed), they ultimately fail at almost every talent you’d expect from a modern terrorist, from weapons training and bomb making, to even recording a usable homemade threat video. They preach the destruction of western culture in raps that reference Tupac, and rock out to King Harvest’s “Dancing In the Moonlight” on the way to one of their attacks. Their various hypocrisies and spectacular failures are as hilarious as they are creative, but the most surprising thing about Four Lions is, despite being what they are, how well these characters are defined and handled.

When dealing with a comedy about a topic as touchy as terrorism, most filmmakers would be tempted to simply turn them into cartoons in order to avoid creating sympathetic and real people who happen to be the “monsters” we expect terrorists to be. However, Morris and his writers create very real characters with families and responsibilities, who just so happen to share religious and ideological beliefs with people who want them to blow themselves up for the cause. Most of the humor works due to this use of relatable and realistic characters, and by the end you find that you’re almost rooting for them to succeed, or, at least come to their senses and stop what they’re doing.

While the writing helps, the performers also never let themselves get too big for the movie, especially the previously mentioned Riz Ahmed as Omar, the leader of the group. Fitting in perfectly with Moore’s documentary style filmmaking, Ahmed never seems like he’s acting, but always thinking on his feet and spitting out the dialogue like the truly frustrated brains of the operation he’s become. However, most of the laughs come from Nigel Lindsay as Barry, the sole Caucasian of the group, who is able to convince the other, more gullible, members of the group that he’s more Muslim, and therefore, more of a terrorist than the lot of them put together. Often with his facial expressions alone, Lindsay can convey the stubbornness and confusion of Barry as he’s berated and proven consistently wrong by Omar, going so far as to punch himself in the face to prove a point, even though doing this proves him wrong anyway.

Four Lions is just one of those movies with so many brilliant and hilarious moments that you’ll be leaving the theater trying to figure out which was the funniest, be it one trainees explanation of how he disguised himself while purchasing mass amounts of bleach from the drug store to make the explosives, or watching Omar co-op the story of The Lion King in order to explain the evils of popular culture to his young son. However, as the movie comes to an end, aside from these situations, Four Lions goes one step further than In the Loop, which featured similarly hilarious characters and lines, and tells a whole story. Here, instead of following a group of nameless clowns running around like headless chickens, Morris makes a statement about the hypocrisy and determination some people possess, but who are, at their base, still people who can, like anyone, make mistakes. It’s exciting to see such an incredible piece of work come so early in the career of a filmmaker like Chris Morris, and if the rest of his movies come anywhere near as close to perfection as Four Lions did, we’re all in for some really good movies.

9 out of 10.

Every so often after leaving a movie, I’ll take a moment and decide right then and there what I thought about it. However, as with most things, after giving it a little more time and thought, my opinion will usually change. For example, this past Wednesday I went and saw Faster, the new action-revenge movie starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and left it kind of impressed with what I saw, only finding one or two problems that I had with it. However, having those problems swirling around in my head now for days, my opinion has been taken down more than a few notches.

So, here we have The Rock playing a recently released convict, hunting down a list of the people responsible for his brother’s death and his imprisonment. Obviously, this should be all the ingredients one would need to make a kick-ass, violent tale of revenge, and while there is some of that, I actually appreciated what the filmmakers tried to do here, as they attempted to add more depth to their story with themes of addiction and the morality of vengeance. I know, kind of surprising considering what you’d expect from a movie being marketed like this, but it’s there. In fact, in addition to The Rock’s “Driver” (that’s his name), there’s also Billy Bob Thornton’s “Cop” and Oliver Jackson-Cohen’s “Killer” included to help flesh out the story and concepts, respectively, as the detective and assassin who are after him and have problems of their own. Unfortunately, while they do help with fleshing everything out, more than anything, the constant division of the story between these three characters gets very distracting, ultimately taking away from the most interesting, albeit least meaningful, story of them all, which is that of Driver.

Now, while the Rock may not speak more than 50 words over the course of the entire movie, what screen time he has is filled with more intensity then the rest of the movie as a whole. While Thornton and Jackson-Cohen aren’t in any way doing a bad job, this is Driver’s movie, and he’s who the audience wants to see. While watching, it never really strikes you how little he is in this movie, but in thinking about it afterwards, it becomes apparent how much of an opportunity was wasted in only allowing him onscreen for a third of the running time. On the other hand, while Driver is interesting to watch, another major problem comes with what he’s given to do. While one might expect some decent action from the concept and actors involved, Faster offers really very little action at all. While it is most certainly badass to walk up to your target and immediately execute them with a bullet to the brain, after three or four of these occurrences, you start to wonder when things are going to get a little more, I don’t know, physical. Aside from a thirty second knife fight and two fairly short car stunt showcases, most of the action is delivered from single shots out of the barrel of a gun, and it leaves Faster a very empty experience as far as action is considered.

And as far as the deep themes of vengeance and all of the characters various addictions are concerned, while, like I said, it is different to see a movie like this cover that kind of material, it doesn’t make for the most satisfying conclusion. While I don’t normally like to spoil really any parts of movies, I’ll need to put up a little alert to describe what I mean: As Driver approaches the last name on his list, he finds that the man has become a preacher with five adopted children who spreads the word of forgiveness, and then himself asks for forgiveness from Driver in an exchange similar to this:

PREACHER: Are you going to kill me?

DRIVER: Yes.

PREACHER: I understand. But before you do, will you forgive me?

DRIVER: No.

PREACHER: That’s ok. I forgive you for what you’re about to do.

This whole time we follow Driver, rooting for him to kill all of the people on his list as we see what they’ve done to him, it’s starting to almost look like we’re supposed to get a “you can’t change the past” kind of vibe from the moral of his story. However, as the preacher starts singing a gospel hymn, Driver goes to shoot, but quickly points his gun to the side, shooting the ground, and allowing the preacher to live. As far as the themes are concerned, I understand what the filmmakers are trying to do, but as an audience member, and as a dramatic conclusion, it’s very unsatisfying. Even though all of the other people who have wronged Driver get theirs in the end, this feels like a huge misstep in what could’ve been a pretty iconic moment. And as far as Driver being a good anti-hero, we already have both Thornton and Jackson-Cohen learning their lessons about letting go, and owning up to their mistakes, making Driver’s decision to learn this lesson seem like overkill and takes away from the character they were attempting to establish. Not everyone has to learn a lesson at the end of your movie, and, in fact, when they don’t, it usually makes it a little more interesting.

Now, of course, as I walked out of the theater, I felt pretty positive about Faster, an action movie that, while a little light on the action, was heavy on character and ideas, which I liked in theory. But as you can see, the more I lingered on all these little problems (and the big ones), all of the positive things slowly disappeared, and now the best thing I can say is The Rock proves why he should leave behind all the kid stuff he’s become so fond of, and stick with the action movies. I just hope his next ones are a little better than this.

5 out of 10.

Incredulous.

Read the Star Trek Series Review Part 1 here, Part 2 here, and Part 3 here.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

After taking a turn towards more fantastical sci-fi with Search For Spock, here Kirk and company return without the pretense of hard hitting idea, giving us a straight up comedy with The Voyage Home. Using a fairly heavy-handed environmental message as an excuse, the Enterprise team (still riding around in their conquered Klingon “Bird of War”) travel back to San Francisco circa 1986 in order to find two now-extinct humpback whales to bring back with them, and, naturally, hilarity ensues.

Depending mainly on fish-out-of-water humor, we see all of the crew split up and tasked with different jobs in order to help rescue the future of the Earth. Spock, still suffering from memory loss due to his resurrection, in addition to his unflinching allegiance to logic, provides a lot of the laughs, especially as he and Kirk attempt to use the proper profanity to fit into the primitive civilization. Watching Chekov and Uhuru walk around asking strangers where they can find some “nuclear wessels”, while Scotty and Bones attempt to talk to an old Mac through its mouse are also pretty funny, but there’s something about Spock diving into the whale tank at an aquarium to mind-meld with one of the creatures that’s just so much more laugh out loud funny to me.

Here’s another case of a movie, while not being necessarily the most ground-breaking or thoughtful, is unbelievably entertaining, especially seeing as the movie is almost a parody of the franchise itself, allowing its characters to finally see the humor in their situations and characterizations. Also, it’s cool to see a continuity developing within the franchise, as events and characters from previous installments make appearances and are taken into consideration throughout the story of this latest entry into the series. Seeing that the crew all still have to stand trial for their crimes in Search For Spock, despite saving both Spock and the planet Earth by breaking several laws of nature and physics, says a lot for the overall story that’s being developed with each additional chapter. So while The Voyage Home may not be the most philosophical or deeply moving Star Trek film, it’s very creative, and extremely entertaining, giving fans and the general public alike something to smile about.

8 out of 10.

I’m not a huge fan of the biopic. They tend to be some of the most over-praised, poorly written and constructed movies out there, and normally feature their main actors simply doing impersonations of the subjects. Either they feature people that are so famous, there’s really nothing revealing or interesting about the story, making it simply a collection of events that don’t really culminate to anything (Ray, The Aviator, Public Enemies, etc.), or they cover someone close to that celebrity or politician, and focus only on that person’s relationship with them (The Last King of Scotland, The Last Station, Quills, etc.). However, every once in a while there’s a biopic that finds someone a little less known with just as incredible an experience, and focuses on that event while also giving us insight into some of the other little moments in their lives, enhancing them as both characters and historical figures (Ed Wood, The Social Network, etc.). 127 Hours is just this kind of movie, and while it may not be perfect, it’s not for lack of an interesting subject or some creative storytelling.

Focusing on the course of the titular specific amount of time, we follow mountain climber and outdoor enthusiast Aron Ralston as he finds himself stuck in a canyon with his arm wedged between a rock wall and a boulder, trapping him with no way to get loose or communicate with the outside world. James Franco does a good job as Ralston, pretty much the only character on screen for a majority of the movie. Combining his performance with some creative editing and sound design, there are a lot of cool moments where his whole experience is made painfully clear without him ever having to utter a word. Unfortunately, these moments are overshadowed by the gimmick of having Aron record his thoughts and feelings onto his handi-cam, allowing for a pretty constant stream of exposition that feels like it could’ve been handled better, or at least, more sporadically.

Like Phone Booth, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and even this year’s Buried, here we have a movie whose concept doesn’t sound like it could fill a whole movie, or would even be interesting enough to warrant one. As expected, the filmmakers call upon flashbacks, hallucinations, and other distractions to break up the action and flesh out the main character, and, for the most part, it works. Danny Boyle has been one of the most visually inventive and interesting directors of the last fifteen years or so, and while he doesn’t have a necessarily distinct style, per se, you definitely know when you’re watching one of his movies. Boyle keeps things interesting by finding a thousand ways to shoot a rock, and giving us several inspired moments to help us see what’s going on inside Aron’s mind (some of which include a giant, inflatable Scooby-Doo). Surprisingly, it’s Boyle’s direction here which saves 127 Hours from some of it’s more apparent problems, most of which stem from some fairly lazy writing.

Now, for those of you who don’t remember how this turned out from seeing it on the news when it happened, or are unfamiliar with the story, I won’t spoil the ending. But for those of you who do remember, I will say that Ralston’s fate left many in our theater turning their heads and covering their eyes, giving you a good impression of just how graphic it gets. However, while this is the moment many people anticipate as being what everything leads up to, the journey there has some pretty interesting moments too. And while a few of them may be repetitive and slow things down at points, as a whole, 127 Hours is still a pretty entertaining movie that proves if the right filmmaker is given the simplest material, at least the results will be interesting.

7 out of 10.

I am Monsters.

I have two main characters.
A man and a woman.
The man is named Kaulder.
He is a photographer.
He has a child.  Sort of.
His name is Kaulder.

The woman is named Samantha.
She is engaged.
But guess what?
She’s kind of not into it.
Her dad is Kaulder’s boss.

Do you think they’ll kiss?

My characters talk about meaningful things.
Like how photography is only of horrible things.
Or the United States looks so different from the outside.

They are stuck inside Mexico, looking to get back to the United States.
It is Kaulder’s job to get Samantha safely to America.
That is, if he wants to move up in the world of picture taking.
But.
The border between the US/Mexico has become known as the “Infected Zone.”
It is rampant with alien life and new species.

Do you see my allegorical nature?
Do you see it?
Kaulder.

I have only one monster and one other alien life form.
My alien life form is a glowing mushroom on trees.
They glow.
And they’re on trees.

My monster is a giant walking squid.
It gets power from TV’s.
TV’s showing violent battle footage between troops and monsters.

I am Monsters.
I am Kaulder.
I am American Badass.
I am the Bullgod.
I am free.
And I feed.
On all that is forsaken.

There are all kinds of lists out there. Lists of the greatest guitarists of all time, bands of all time, the greatest baseball teams ever. Lists of the greatest places to visit, places to live, the greatest beers. Lists of everything imaginable. There is even a list of the greatest sports of ALL TIME. But for some reason I cannot seem to find a list of the greatest movie genres EVER! Oh wait!…HERE IT IS! AND I WROTE IT, TOO! HOW LUCKY!!!

THE BEST  MOVIE GENRES OF ALL TIMES:
#10 – Bromantic Comedy (funny movie about two dudes that dig each other)  e.g. I LOVE YOU, MAN. All they lack is gay sex scenes.
#9  – Action (movie with blow ups and diving off cliffs. lots of cars and guns and a terrorist or 2) e.g. THE EXPENDABLES. Just wish they had more straight sex and less gay sex teases.
#8 – Family (no cursing or violence here. must have a clear message. often employs a dog or combines genres with fantasy or adventure) e.g. BEETHOVEN and THE BUTTERCREAM GANG. Too much gay sex and kids. NOT together, sicko, just too much of either.
#7 – Crime (murder, theft, larceny, grand theft auto, laundering of monies, punching, soliciting sex, loitering, jay walking) e.g. THE UNTOUCHABLES. They’re always weird and confusing. And long. And weird.
#6 – Avant Garde (weird on purpose. you wouldn’t get it, square) e.g. Anything by Andy Warhol. Needs more bombs, less ugly people and louder music.
#5 – Fantasy (that wouldn’t happen in REAL life. Yeah? Well, fuck real life!) e.g. LABYRINTH, HARRY POTTER, HOOK, DRAGONHEART. Overall the genre rules, BUT there are a few exceptions that make even J.K. cry. “Kids suck”
#4 – Science Fiction (fake sciencey stuff. often other-wordly or has aliens) e.g. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, ALIEN, ALIENS, SPLICE. I LOVE this genre to death but it’s also probably the easiest to ruck up, so there are a million and six bad ones. Really bad ones. Really really bad bad bad ones.
#3 – Drama (crying and seriousness) e.g. KRAMER VS. KRAMER, ORDINARY PEOPLE. Lifetime movies ruined drama forever.
#2 – Horror/Thriller/Creature (yes, they are  all VERY different, but they all scare me. there’s just no genre called “scare you”) e.g. SE7EN, THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES, TREMORS, LAKE PLACID, PSYCHO. Too frightening.
#1………………PORN!

BOOM!