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Here’s another Fivegoo. It’s favorite remakes. It’s probably the worst one we’ve ever done. So make sure you link it on facebook and in your chain letters. Thx.
Number One Thing – I’ve watched my second TWILIGHT parody. The first was the Razzie nominated film VAMPIRES SUCK. The second and most recent was a little film called TAINTLIGHT by LBP (low budget pictures). Holy crap. Bad does not do justice for TAINTLIGHT. Nor do horrible, abominable, disgusting, despicable, atrocious, terrible or maghideous (magnificently hideous). The only true adjective to describe such an monstrosity is unwatchable. There’s no reason for me to explain the plot or characters, so I won’t waste the time. I will give a short list, however, of things that made TAINTLIGHT the worst thing ever, barring TETRO… a) It’s called TAINTLIGHT. b) It’s a parody of TWILIGHT. c) It’s only an hour long, but due to its lack of anything redeeming and abundance of retardation, feels like 700 years. d) The bad female vampire mimics the voice of Lois Griffin of ‘Family Guy’. e) It appears to have been shot on some sort of incredibly high definition camera that looks SOOOOO good, so hi-def, so vividly glorious it hurts my eyes to look at it. f) The “werewolf”, who claims “I am not a weredog!” is dressed, and impersonating Michael Jackson throughout the entirety of said TAINTLIGHT. g) To shoot this LBP, I’m 93% sure they put the “actors” into position, strapped the camera to the top of the head of a toddler and said “action”, creating no less than a masterpiece of direction. h) And last, but certaintly not least, It’s called TAINTLIGHT.
MOVING ON!….
Number Two Thing – I hooked up my Christmas-given BluRay player to da innernets so my sweet ass can watch Netflix insta-watches on my teletube. NOICE! Prepare to be bombarded with a plethora of “Insta-Watch” Reviews.
Number Three Thing – I watched, on Saturday night, a little film called SEED. It’s about a sick fucker named Maxwell Seed that kills people in the late 1970s. None of that is important. What IS important is who made this feature film….take a guess or three: Tarsem? WRONG! Niels Aredn Oplev? NO SIR-EE! TARSEM? STILL NO GOOD! You sure are stupid, dude. It’s by none other than the master of disaster himself, the one, the only, the German – - – - – - UWE BOLL!!!!!!!!!! I know, I’m excited too. In fact I’m so excited I’m pretty sure I’m gonna watch most, if not all of his movies. Now whether or not I’ll review each film remains a mystery to you and myself, but fear not…I promise; I absolutely guarantee to review 1968 TUNNEL RATS, Uwe’s Vietnam epic of 95 minutes in length. A list of his films:
Please post your top ten of 2010. That year ended like a month ago.
Sincerestly,
josh
Doing Time on Maple Drive(1992)
Let me start off by saying that I’ve been putting this movie off for a while. Why? 1) Because it’s a made for T.V movie from the 90s and 2) because it’s a friggin made for TV movie from the 90s. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE movies from the 90s. Some of the best movies came out in the 90s. I have a copy of this movie but I didn’t watch my copy. You wanna know where I watched it Internet peeps? Well, I was scanning my DVR so I could watch last nights episode of Conan and BOOM, there it was DVRed. Who DVRed it you ask? My mother! How huge of a coincidence is that!? And you wanna take a huge guess at which channel it came on? You guessed it, Lifetime Movie Network!
Anyhoozellbees, Doing Time on Maple Drive is a movie that very much fits on Lifetime. It’s about 3 siblings who come home to their parents house so everyone can meet Matt’s, one of the siblings, new wife to be. Now, considering the fact that this movie is on Lifetime and is about a family that’s gathering already tells you that family dysfunction is irrevocable. Maple Drive focuses on the Carter kids and their relationships with their parents. Lisa, the eldest, is married and working a so-so job. Her parents think she’s too broke to have a kid. Tim, the middle and played by Jim Carrey, is an alcoholic college drop out who is considered the failure by his parents. And then there is Matt, the youngest. Matt is the kid that this movie is REALLY about. He’s the perfect kid with the perfect fiancé going to the perfect school, Yale. Now y’all KNOW somethin’ just aint right with that boy.
This movie reminds you, Internet, that parents suck and expect a crap load out of you. The Carter kids work so hard to make sure they don’t embarrass or shame their parents. They’re like Asians. They work hard to keep their secrets a secret. The movie mainly focuses on Matt since everyone is meeting because of him. Early on in the movie, we learn his secret. Hell, I could even argue that we learn in within the first 10 seconds of the movie. I’d hate to spoil this Fox movie of the week for you but I’m sure you can figure it out. It’s 1992. Matt’s a pretty boy. He goes to an Ivy League school. He has a hot and perfect fiancé (played by the lovely Lori Loughlin). You figure it out.
Enough ramblin’. This isn’t your typical 90s movie-of-the-week movie; this one is actually good. It’s no wonder this movie managed to get 3 Primetime Emmy nods. The story is very typical but that isn’t what makes this movie good. What makes it good is Ken Olin‘s direction and great performances from the actors. First of all, I’m not surprised this movie was directed well. Olin has some great TV shows under his belt such as Brothers and Sisters, Alias, and The West Wing. Maple Drive had some of the best camera movements and shots I’ve ever seen in a friggin’ made for TV movie. The script was spearheaded by James Duff creator of The Closer. The writing was nothing special but, it’s good to point out the former fact.
Like I said, the actors were pretty dang good. One of those Emmy nods went to Bibi Besch for her ability to go from gentle and naive to bat shit crazy the length of the movie. When Matt, played by William McNamara (you know, that guy from Ringmaster), confronts his mom (Besch) in one of the final scenes, all acting hell breaks loose. The scene feels real, raw and reminds me that I have to call my dad.
But forget those 2. The purpose of me watching this was for Jim Carrey. Before Eternal Sunshine and before The Truman Show, there was Doing Time on Maple Drive. It’s hilarious to know that while filming this movie, he was also on In Living Color. Jim Carrey always has been a damn good actor. I imagine if he decided to take on another serious movie instead of doing Ace Ventura, no one would have taken him seriously. But how could you? The man is a goof ball. After watching Maple Drive, I was blown away to find out that even so early on in his career, Carrey was this amazing actor. I think a lot of that comes from knowing his body. A lot of acting comes from the way an actor movies and talks and since Jim Carrey relies on his body in his stand-up, he’s managed to rely on it in dramatic roles also. Makes sense. He even played drunk very well in this movie. Playing drunk in a movie is, apparently, not easy because people tend to either under do it or over do it. Jim Carrey was already cemented as my favorite actor but now I’ve taken that cement and dipped that shit in some type of metal that’s stronger than cement.
7.5 out of 10
Extra props for Jim Carrey saying the line “Dad, I’ve already done my time on Maple Drive.”
Here it is folks. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. It’s only about a month late (or 200 yrs in internet time), but I’ve finally finished my Top 10 of 2010. And overall, I’d have to say that it was an exceptionally weak year for movies. Invariably when someone says this, some other moron (jat59072 in this case) will say “nah uh, there were like so many great movies I could’ve made a top 25.” Yeah well this is my opinion, dawg. And as far as I’m concerned, this year was mediocre at best. Sure there were a couple greats and I like every movie on my Top 10, but a handful of great movies and a couple very good ones doesn’t exactly tip the scales of “holy shit this year ruled-ness.” I mean c’mon. The King’s Speech? Give me a break. But anyway. Without further adieu…
10. Cemetery Junction
This was the most difficult slot on my entire list. I fooled around with a bunch of different movies and none of them seemed to click for me. And then I remembered Cemetery Junction. I’m a sucker for coming of age movies and this very standard affair was nothing short of awesome.
9. Winter’s Bone
What up Ozarks? Represent. John Hawkes and Jennifer Lawrence turn in excellent performances in this hillbilly Illuminati mafia gangster opus.
8. Mother
Beautifully photographed and directed. This mystery crime drama has just the right amount of twist.
7. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The best of the trilogy. This one’s got it all.
6. The Last Exorcism
Contrary to popular belief, the ending rocks the party. As does the rest of the movie.
5. Exit Through the Gift Shop
As hilarious as it is interesting. Long live Mr. Brainwash.
4. Dogtooth
Lying to kids has never been so fun. Or violent. Or awesome.
3. Toy Story 3
Growing up is for jerks. That’s why Pixar makes you cry. For being a jerk.
2. Inception
The only movie about dreams that’s worth seeing.
1. The Social Network
Every single thing about this movie is an impenetrable amalgamation of goodness. From words to pictures to characters to music to actors to everything. Or in short: “Let the hacking begin.”
Full list of nominations for the 83rd annual Academy Awards provided by IMDB.com here
For us movie nerds, this is the moment we wait for all year. The Oscar nods. We wait to see how many, if any, nominations our favorite movies of the year receive. But what tends to be most interesting for me is seeing what was, in my humble opinion, snuffed, forgotten, neglected of recognition, given flase accalade or just plain passed over. FOR EXAMPLE:
INCEPTION was not nominated for direction or editing – the two awards I think it deserved most.
THE KING’S SPEECH was nominated for anything. Which it does not deserve.
127 HOURS’ Danny Boyle was nominated over Christopher Nolan and was nominated for best picture.
TRUE GRIT’s Co Bros were nominated over Chris Nolan. Now, I love everything Coen Brothers. They’re prob’ly my favorite director/writer/editor ever. But TRUE GRIT was not their strongest film of recent.
Lastly, but not leastly, a good surprise: DOGTOOTH getting a nod for best foreign language film. Awesome.
In short – The Oscars are useless. Who cares what wins? I claim not to, but if THE KING’S SPEECH sweeps I’ll fucking vomit.
Short review: High Strung is basically The Telephone 2.
3 out of 10
I loved it.
Movies, for many people, serve as a way to escape from the real world. Instead of watching the news or worrying about the many, many global catastrophes we all face every day, people willingly pay to forget about everything else for a few hours, and instead focus on the lives of people who never have, and never will, exist. So, it’s understandable why people are confused when a movie like The Company Men is released, making them wonder why people would want to make or watch a movie about a subject so current and depressing as the effects the recent financial crisis have had on our country, and the people who have been directly affected by it. Sometimes, these kinds of movies can inspire hope, and the assurance that the human spirit can overcome any odds, which now include bouncing back from a economic collapse such as this. Unfortunately, while the message and intentions of The Company Men may be admirable, it can’t support them with characters we care about, or a story that is relatable to 95% of the American people.
Sticking mainly to the effects that the corporate fallout at a major shipping corporation has on the lives of several of its laid off employees, we specifically follow the stories of Ben Affleck and Tommy Lee Jones as two of the higher ranking employees who suddenly find themselves starting all the way from the bottom after years at the top. It’s not a terrible idea, but the way these characters and their attitudes and lifestyles are drawn out, little room is left for compassion. When imagining a life less than extravagant, without your mansion and exotic vacations, causes you to commit suicide, there’s not a whole lot to relate to for anyone who normally lives like this. And while I’m sure there’s a market out there for cautionary tales directed towards the ultra-rich, many people aren’t going to be interested in a pity party for those that have.
And while this kind of disdain for middle class existence doesn’t help The Company Men make its case or tell its story, some pretty poorly written supporting characters don’t really do much in the way of helping make up for any of the weaknesses of the story. Aside from Affleck and Jones, who put in pretty decent performances, most of the other characters range from surprisingly one-note (a particularly whiny Chris Cooper), painfully accented caricatures (Kevin Costner), to everyone else as fodder used only to feel sorry for and accept the fates of their loved ones. The most substance Ben Affleck’s son is able to show, aside from selling his X-BOX off screen to support his families newfound financial woes, is to let his dad know during a heart to heart about their situation, “I’m not a kid. I can handle stuff.” This kind of vague characterization, along with a weak resolution that doesn’t make that much sense considering what these characters have experienced and know the corporate world is becoming, make for a pretty unsatisfying movie.
Aside from a few cool soundtrack choices (including the use of Future Islands, a little known band from Baltimore), and the performances of Ben Affleck and Tommy Lee Jones, The Company Men has little to offer. It won’t work as an inspirational drama to anyone making less than six figures a year, and won’t impress those looking for a particularly well-made movie. While boasting an impressive cast and current topic may have worked for such recent movies as The Social Network and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, The Company Men just has too many things going against it for it to be considered more than anything but average.
5 out of 10.
Blue Valentine tells two stories. The first is a heart-warming love story as the shiftless, yet charmingly funny man chases after the ambitious and quirky woman. The two quickly fall for each other in a love-at-first-sight scenario that only film can provide. If this were the only story being told, a constant “aww” would fill the movie theater as the lovebirds carry on their awkward-at-times, therefore realistic, relationship. As a gentleman who goes on many dates, the moments shared between the two assisted me in reminiscence of my own experience.
Story number two is the exact opposite. This one is the tale of a troubled marriage. The early-thirties couple has been together for a few years, indicated by their pre-school aged daughter. A deep coldness counterbalances the warmth of the first story each time the second story is presented. Although the former lovebirds display passive-aggressive attitudes toward one another, the tension and anticipation apply a sturdy chokehold on the audience.
Here comes the tricky part: The two stories are about the same couple. That’s right, nerds. The movie is a double character study, comparing a relationship to itself in relation to the effects of time and children. Blue Valentine is a commentary on love and marriage and the troubles faced in maintaining a healthy and passionate connection.
Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams deserve all the acclaim they have received as they are truly convincing and touching in a film that places its characters ahead of its plot. A sure sign of a great movie to me is when I really care at the end. As the film’s final act came to a close, I wished only the best for these two people. I hoped for them that they could overcome their individual flaws and find the love and excitement they had once had, as dictated by their first story.
The direction was well-planned as close-up shots dominated the majority of the film, ultimately allowing the viewer to see the emotion and develop a connection to the characters. It is as if we were trapped in their world, desperately silent in our attempts to remind them of what they once had.
This is really a beautiful movie with an overabundance of different feelings and emotions. As you will see very soon, I believe this to be one of the best of 2010.
I dedicate this review to Josh, Kyle, Dancy, and Jason who now think I’m gay. : )
©2010-2011
"The bums will always lose."
