Exactly one year ago today, I experienced something.  It was something I’d never felt or gone through before.  And the feelings that this experience conjured in me are likely never to be recreated again.  It stands, and will stand, as a truly unique moment in my life.  Because you see, on the morning of December 18, 2010, I saw Gulliver’s Travels.

Yes.  THE Gulliver’s Travels. I had the pleasure of attending a free Saturday morning screening of the movie with two of my most fantastic friends (and writers for this here website).  Having stayed up late the night before with both jat59072 and Dancy, we agreed that we would wake up in the morning to see if we really felt like making the drive to Cherry Hill, NJ to see this film in a 3-D presentation at 10:30 AM.  Upon waking up, we made the decision to go.  A little groggy we were, yet giddiness quickly began to set in.  For this was a truly momentous day.  Not only was seeing Gulliver’s Travels in our plans, but afterwards we had a 12-hour movie marathon scheduled with the entire TWJ staff.  Luckily for jat, Dancy, and I, we started off the morning with this movie I now write about.

The short drive over the bridge went on without event.  Until we arrived at the theater.  We were a bit early and doors were not open yet.  So we sat in the car, groggy and giddy, staring out at the cold, parking lot morning… just waiting.  And then it happened.  Slowly it had been building in our ears.  Classic rock music.  Blaring from a car stereo that seemed to be driving in concentric circles around us.  Closer and closer it came until we saw it.  A middle aged man in what I remember was probably a Ford Focus, accompanied in his passenger seat by a skeleton donning a christmas hat and other human garb.  We were in awe of this man.  To our chagrin, though, he parked a few cars away and our vision was impeded by an SUV or minivan of some sort.  (What kind of people go to 10:30AM Saturday screenings in Cherry Hill, NJ to see this movie.  Other than little kids and TWJ…)  Well, apparently this skeleton-befriending man is someone who would embark upon this experience with us.  And then the classic rock ceased and was swiftly replaced by what sounded like a most clever riff on “the 12 days of xmas” but instead, was “lol i hate my job”-related humor.  Our day was only getting better.  Finally the doors to the theater opened and the music stopped.  We sat waiting for the mysterious skeleton-loving man to pass us, and after we got our look, we retreated not for the front door of the theater, but to this man’s car to take pictures on our celular devices of the skeleton in the front seat.  He loved Preston & Steve.

And into the theater we go.  It’s filled with kids accompanied by their parents.  The usual dunce-level trivia kicks in and jat doesn’t win as much as he should have.  He should have won some basketball shit, but some old lady stole his prize.  His cries of sorrow were quickly drowned out though, as the emcee hosting the trivia session pandered to the crowd, asking if all in attendance were ready for Jack Black’s antics.  Did she even realize how ready we were?

The movie starts.  And it’s immediately clear I’m a little bit completely sick of Jack Black’s antics.  Especially in this movie.  But alas, the show goes on.  And it’s as kid-orientedly stupid and boring and bad as the next one.  But this was for some reason, a special kind of bad.  Not the kind of bad that’s funny, or even the kind that’s just plain bad.  It began to morph into an inexplicable… thing. And on and on it went.  Though it was quite a short movie, it went on and on and on.

And then something happened.  Things suddenly got to the point of no return and nexi of universi and wormholes sprouted into entire rainbows.  The world caved in on itself and reappeared once again before our very eyes, both inside out and tied to a bedpost.  I cannot explain.  I saw past the universe and tron and Dune and all else.  I sat rooted in my seat, mouth agape, eyes bleeding, ears imploding.  I cannot speak specifically of what scene I am referring to, as my friends Josh and Dave have yet to marvel at this movie as I have.  And ruining such an experience for others would be most unwise.

The movie ended and I carried on my day (and the rest of my life) with knowledge that there are things out there that go beyond everything.  Nothing will ever be the same.

My life would be incomplete without wands.

Volume 4 - WHEN SOMETIMES PEOPLE WATCH TV IN MOVIES OR A TV IS SHOWN FOR BARELY ANY REASON AT ALL

This happens more often than anyone on Earth will care to admit.  It happens like all the time practically.  Sometimes people watch TV in movies and it’s funny or it serves a purpose.  But sometimes people watch TV in movies, or a TV is shown to start a scene and it really serves no purpose.  Well, when that happens I don’t like it.  And there’s two reasons why I don’t like when it happens.  A.)  Because it’s usually some old movie that either the director likes (and is paying homage to in a stupid way) or it’s supposed to reference/comment on the theme.  And B.)  When it’s not Reason A, it’s usually some stupid thing that’s meant to be like hahahaha look at how strange this is!  I saw this on TV when I was a kid.  Or, I saw this on TV the other day and I just HAD to get it in my movie somehow.

I guess people can do whatever they want but I don’t like when this happens.  Thanks!

(Note: This was written shortly after the death of Satoshi Kon in 2010)

The death of Satoshi Kon kind of just now hit me. The day he died, I was really sad. It sucks knowing one of my favorite directors will no long make movies anymore. Satoshi Kon was definitely an underdog in the movie and anime world. He never made much money off any of his movies and he couldn’t leave behind much for his wife. But he still has his legacy. Darren Arronofsky‘s purchasing the rights to Perfect Blue for a meager $59,000 just so he could use 2 scenes from it gives you a good idea how much he’s worth.  The funny thing is that despite making 1/100th of 1/100th of what Miyazaki makes for his movies, he’s still very well known in America among anime fans. Perhaps #2 (after Miyazaki) among anime directors whose movies are released in the U.S. So, I decided to have a little Satoshi Kon-athon and revisit all of his movies and watch the 1 1/3 ones I’ve never seen.

Memories (1995)

Memories is an omnibus of shorts, Magnetic Rose, Stink Bomb and Cannon Fodder, based on mangas done by Katsuhiro Otomo. I’m going to come right out and say I didn’t care for Stink Bomb and Cannon Fodder. Cannon Fodder was just boring. It’s interesting but boring. It’s about a town whose sole purpose is to bomb an unseen enemy. It’s commentary on war, but blah, it was boring. Stink Bomb is about a guy who accidentally turns himself into a biochemical weapon. His body expels a toxic fume that kills people within a certain radius. It sounds bleak but it’s actually a comedy. I think this would have worked well if it were serious. Maybe it’s a Japanese thing and it went over my head. Of course the one I loved the most, Magnetic Rose, was written by Satoshi Kon and directed byKoji Morimoto. Morimoto directed the segment “Beyond” on the Animatrix and Beyond just so happens to be my favorite short from the Animatrix because it shows what happens when there is a glitch in The Matrix. Magnetic Rose is awesome! After receiving an S.O.S signal from a deserted part of space, a bunch of “space trash men“ answer the S.O.S. They board this ship like contraption, and are suddenly pulled into this bizarre space. This short has Satoshi Kon written all over. It’s slightly confusing and contains someone who is effed up and has some kind of obsession that all of his writing seems to have. If I could just rate Magnetic Rose I’d give it a 9 out of 10. But since this is a compilation, I have to rate it a 6.5 out of 10. The title of this is Memories. I’m not sure why because only Magnetic Rose seemed to touch on actual memories.

Perfect Blue (1998)

Perfect Blue is the only Satoshi Kon movie I hadn’t seen in its entirety. I had a copy of it, but it disappeared with my computer last year. As I mentioned before, after the movie’s release, the rights were purchased by Darren Arronofsky so the bath tub scene (and the final rape scene) from Perfect Blue could be used in Requiem for a Dream. (Side note, now people are trying to say he ripped Black Swan from Perfect Blue which isn’t true. Even if it were true, HE OWNS THE RIGHTS!) Perfect Blue follows a singer turned actress as she slowly loses her mind. She begins to think things are there that aren’t, and thinks she’s being followed. This movie is “classic Satoshai” meaning it’s just FRIGGIN CRAZY! The main character, Mima, visits a website called Mima’s Room that appears to be written by her, but it’s not…or is it. This movie moves a mile a minute. I’m having trouble describing it. Like all of Satoshi’s movies, (excluding Tokyo Godfathers) there is this crazy element of fantasy where the character gets drawn into some other world that no one else can see but the audience (OK so maybe it is a little like Black Swan).

Perfect Blue is very reminiscent of Satoshi’s animated series (and my favorite anime) Paranoia Agent. Both focus on manifesting these evil alter egos and focus on how one’s thoughts can become deadly. The IMDB forums say that Satoshi borrows heavily from Dario Argento movies, but I’ve never seen any of them, so I can’t say, but apparently that fact is “awesome.” The ends of this movie will DEFINITELY leave you scratching your head. It’s very much left open for discussion although, in my opinion, if one thinks hard enough, I think there is only one conclusion. See this mindfuck of a movie NOW! One last note, the music for most of Satoshi Kon’s movies is done by the great Susumu Hirasaw. It’s weird and it’s electronic and that’s enough for me. 8.5 out of 10

Millennium Actress (2001)

I guess after making Perfect Blue, Satoshi wanted to tone it down and make a documentary/biopic type movie. Satoshi leaves behind the wild and crazy plot lines, for the most part, and trades it in for some good old fashion cinematography. This movie transcends many decades and eras of Japanese history. It follows a documentary filmmaker as he documents the life of a once famous, now reclusive, Japanese actress. What makes this movie very unique is as the story is being told, the documentarian and his camera man are basically inside the story following along and even assisting the actress. The “classic Satoshi” comes in when it’s hard to tell if she is playing a role in a movie, or reciting and reenacting real life. The lines blur but they blur so well. This movie borrows a lot from many Kurosawa movies. I don’t know if that’s true, but I read it somewhere because I’ve never actually SEEN a Kurosawa movie (BAD DANCY! BAD DANCY!).

If this movie were shot in live action, it’d truly bean EPIC movie. From costumes to set design, to composition and how things are put together. And the transitions. Satoshi Kon does love his transitions. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the transitions in this movie (stop laughing Kyle, Dave and Josh). I love it when scenes blend together or move from one scene to the next without cutting. The character will be in a shop one second and when she turns around, she’s on a battlefield. And those match cuts. He loves him some match cuts. All of Satoshi Kon’s movies seem to be filled with them. Chiyoko, the actress, is given a key as a teenager by a stranger as she hides from the police. He promises to come back for her. She gets into the movie biz so she can find this stranger and this is what her story is about, finding this stranger. She spends most of her life doing it. It’s a REALLY nice story. I always told myself that if I was going to do a live action version of an animation, this one would be it, except it’d be centered on American history rather than Japanese history. Did I mention it looks Amazing? Those damn transitions. 9.5 out of 10

Tokyo Godfathers (2003)

On Christmas day, 3 homeless people find a baby abandoned in a pile of trash. These homeless people, Hana, Miyuki and Gin, make it their goal to find the woman who abandoned her based on the clues she left. The story isn’t as mundane as it sounds. Satoshi Kon steps outside the “Japanese box” and creates characters that wouldn’t normally be seen in an anime. Having these 3 very different characters is one huge thing that makes this movie very enjoyable. Satoshi Kon made this movie with his American audience in mind. He even had the world premiere in America. Culturally, this movie does not go over the average American’s head. Tokyo Godfathers is a very “feel good” movie. Satoshi set out to make a happy and normal movie with this one. No major mystery, no confusing plots, no fantasy, just a pretty simple story. (Although, he couldn’t help but add his signature crazy obsessed/character.) Satoshi Kon isn’t often well received in Japan. I like to call him the Michele Gondry of Japan. His movies are abstract and surreal and the stories are very original and relatable. This movie isn’t done in typical Japanese fashion. Although, while many of the jokes and sight gags are stereotypically anime, much of the animation and character design is very different than traditional anime. Maybe this is why his movies don’t do well in Japan. Who knows? I love that EVERYTHING seems to work out for the homeless characters and I hate that EVERYTHING seems to work out for them. But hey, it’s Christmas. 8 out of 10

Paprika (2006)

Aw snap! He done did it again! I’m glad this is my second time watching Paprika because the first time I was just like WTF? After watching all of Satoshi Kon’s movies, I’ve realized if I’m not scratching my head after seeing a movie like this, then Satoshi Kon hasn’t done his job. But since I am, he obviously has. Let me start off by saying, without going off on a tangent, I can see why people keep comparing Inception to Paprika. Both movies are about dreams and some sort of dream machine. Both movies are about figuring something out within a dream, and in both movies the characters don’t know if they are dreaming or are in reality. Even in this Inception/Paprika mashup trailer when Ellen Paige’s character screams “wake me up, wake me up,” Paprika is screaming “wake her [real self] up, wake her up.” I think when your dealing with movies involving entering other people’s dreams, the themes are going to blend together. It’s weird, I never thought one borrowed from the other until I Googled it. There is a chance that Nolan may have borrowed a bit from Paprika, but Paprika is an adaptation of a novel so it wasn’t 100% original. Anyway, Paprika is trippy. I mean it’s Perfect Blue trippy. When their dream machine is stolen by an employee, another employee attempts to go into his dream. But he gets stuck and Paprika must go into both of their dreams. But then dreams start mixing, and they end up in a dream within a dream. There is an Xzibit joke in here somewhere. Ok, yea, that sounds a bit Inception-y I guess.

Satoshi Kon combines lots of classic Japanese themes and elements with some beautiful artwork. The parade will always be one of my favorite animated things. It’s colorful, it’s loud and the music that goes along with it is catchy as all hell. Again, Susumu Hirasawa is an amazing man with his musical accompaniment. I’m finding it hard to describe this movie. It’s the same reason why I never bothered writing a review for Inception. For me, trying to describe why a bizarre movie is good is like someone trying to describe a David Lynch movie to me. Sometimes explaining doesn’t help. You just have to see it for yourself. This movie is getting a live-action remake by Wolfgang Pertersen. I’ve never seen The Never Ending Story, but from what I hear, it’s pretty cool, so I think the remake may be in good hands. 8.5 out of 10

The Dreaming Machine (2011)

So what now? Satoshi Kon died while making his next movie The Dreaming Machine, a movie about robots in a world where humans have all died out. When Wall-E was announced, Kon was very afraid his movie would be very similar to it, but it wasn’t. The production was put on hold while animation company Madhouse scrambled to find a new director. Now that a director has been put into place, as far as I know, production has continued, but no word has come out from Madhouse quite yet. At this point, we can only hope that Madhouse doesn’t decide to shelve the movie at the last minute.

Satoshi Kon may have only been a blip on the cinematic radar, but he’s a blip that has changed the way anime and movies are made. He was definitely a very unique character, and it saddens me to know he’s gone. The great thing is he’s left behind some amazing movies that will keep him alive. I’m also glad he died peacefully and ready in his home. Despite not having much in life, he was always a cheerful guy (despite the darkness of his movies). He will be missed by many. Satoshiさん, ありがとうございます！

Note: I wrote this in July of 2010 so the the whole brouhaha over the Boondocks episode titled “Pause” is outdated and has subsided a bit. But, it still helps prove my points.

Tyler Perry has won the hearts of millions all over America with his stage plays, books and movies. His movies shaped a new era in black cinema. On a recent episode of The Boondocks, Granddad is cast in a new play being put on by Winston Jerome, a black overly-religious stage producer who is known for dressing in drag as “Ma Dukes.” Winston Jerome and Ma Dukes are obviously meant to parallel Tyler Perry and his character Madea. Tyler Perry is a little up in arms with McGruder for poking fun at his movies, his sexuality, and his character Madea.  After scouring the blogosphere, I’ve learned that many are huge Perry supporters while others bash his movies as modern day minstrels. I, on the other hand, see both sides.

Why I Love Tyler Perry:

Tyler Perry has undoubtedly made his mark in the theater and movie world over the past 10 years. His movies and plays have touched the hearts of both black and non-black viewers.  Perry isn’t some Ivy League scholar with a writing degree or a film degree. He’s just a guy who decided to write as a way to cope with the harsh times in his life. Perry was at one point homeless and didn’t even have a high school diploma. So if anyone can say at least one positive thing, it’s that Perry is a true success story. His plays and movies send out many positive messages to the black community. Heck Perry’s life sends out a positive message. His messages let many black people who are living in poverty or some kind of abusive relationship or any other hard life know that they can overcome and achieve their dreams.

Tyler Perry could just preach and lecture people, but he conveys his message in a way that many blacks can connect with. His use of the character Madea keeps people coming back for more. Many black folk have some wild aunt or grandma or someone that’s loud, outspoken, and sometimes all around crazy but at the same time will deliver you some nuggets of wisdom and advice.  Madea is silly and very likable despite wanting to shoot everyone with her concealed glock.  Perry has a very good way of creating these very relatable characters. And moreover, he has a great way of bringing out the raw emotion in these characters making them that much more believable.

He has also helped further the careers and show case the talent of many black actors such as Tamela Mann, Cicely Tyson and Keke Palmer. There is no doubt that Perry knows how to really pick his actors. His movies, stage plays and now T.V shows give black families a reason to gather together on a Friday night and watch something positive and family oriented that teaches good values and empowers black people. Perry’s T.V shows Meet the Browns and House of Payne reintroduced the positive black family to prime time.

Despite low ratings and horrible reviews, Perry’s movies have all grossed significantly. With sales from these movies plus his stage plays, Perry is one the most well paid, well respected black directors of today. So why should the content of his movies or his sexuality be such a bother to people. If people enjoy going to the movies and seeing the same story line over and over, so be it. Why criticize Perry on the overly religious content in his movies and stage plays. The truth is, if it bothers anyone, then those people should avoid it and just not give their money to Tyler Perry. He’s an outspoken Christian who, like many Christians, just wants to spread Christian values. If people don’t like it, then maybe they shouldn’t watch his movies. Many have been speculating over Perry’s sexual orientation for years and Perrys has either denied or avoided the subject. What I say is let the man be who he is. If he’s gay and doesn’t want to come out then fine, it’s his business anyway. It’s his job to make entertaining content for viewers and not to talk about what he does in his bedroom.

Why I Hate Tyler Perry:

Tyler Perry did come from hard times with being homeless and being molested as a child, but so did do many other (better) black celebrities that people could be looking up to. Perry often throws around his sob story of being homeless and broke and spending his life savings to finance his first play. So much so that it caught the attention of Oprah early on thus prompting an endorsement from the richest black woman in the world. This virtually makes Perry untouchable and gives him the power to put his name on a movie next to Oprah.

Yes, Perry’s movies have some inspirational and empowering messages to the black community but really, how many times do we have to see the powerful black woman who is being abused by her husband or being super bitchy to her less successful sister. Or the kids abandoned by their drug addicted mother or incarcerated father.  To an outsider, this makes the black community look like these are the only problems we deal with. There are SO many more things to worry about in the black community. A more diverse line of stories would prevent people from giving Perry such bad reviews. One can only rehash the same script so many times.

Although he’s good at pulling our heart strings and getting us to feel a wealth of emotions, he’s not very good at creating characters.

I don't speak to gud!

Yes, we can relate to the few he has but again, where is the diversity. I’m tired of seeing the same type of white women in his movies and I’m tired of seeing that one crazy ‘ol coot. Perry has done a great job at reinventing the minstrel show. One of his recurring characters is Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown is the country clown who can’t speak too good sometimes, wears loud, colorful and tight clothing, and is always there for a great one liner. There is so much more to black people than these church talking, dancing and singing fools that Perry puts in EVERY movie and EVERY play. All one has to do is sit and watch just one episode of Meet the Browns and the tomfoolery is evident.

Tyler Perry seems to think that his audience is stupid and can’t really think very deeply. And why wouldn’t he? People like my 47 year-old mom continue to eat his material up. Perry believes that if he continues to write for this niche audience, he’ll continue to have a job. And this will hold true until studios decide to stop giving him money.

My favorite Perry movie is the Family That Preys for many reasons but one thing I love the most about it is that, out of all his movies and stage plays, it seems to shove Jesus down your throat less than his other works. I’m all for people having their religious views and beliefs but dammit Perry, why does every movie and stage play have to be based on good ol’ fashion Christian moral values.  It’s as if to be an upstanding citizen with great moral character, one has to follow the bible and Christian values or face the wrath of hell. For once I’d like to watch one of his movies without being told that I’m going to hell. But I must again address the fact that these movies are made for a niche audience.

And Mr. Perry, the gays know their gays. Ricky Martin, called back in the 90s. David Hyde Pierce, the gays called it. Lance Bass, I called it in the 6^th grade. Andy Cooper, the gays are calling it. I’m not saying that it’s imperative that Tyler Perry come out, I’m saying that if he truly is a homo, that he shouldn’t try to cover his homoness by putting a pedophile homosexual in his T.V show. I’m glad that episode of House of Payne addressed sexual predators, but why leave it so open and vague. The family says they hate “those types of people” and think “those kinds of people” shouldn’t exist.  This can be interpreted as gays or pedos. They should have said sexual predators. Considering the episode is about the kid talking to and inviting a stranger over, I think it’s safe to say sexual predator. Also when it comes to gays, Christians don’t exactly have a good track record. My theory is that if Perry came out, there would be many people saying “Well, he’s gay because he was molested” or “He’s gay because his father was absent.” I’m sure Perry knows this and is avoiding backlash for this purpose or plans on using this as fuel for why he is the way he is.

Conclusions:

Tyler Perry has made some good stuff and some bad stuff. He’s propelling the positive black image as well as hindering it. He better come up with a new original idea quickly before people start getting smart and realize they’ve been fed the same dribble for the past 10 years.

Volume 3 - BASEBALL EDITING

You know, like when you’re watching The Sandlot or Major League or Field of Dreams or Benchwarmers and someone’s up to bat.  They dig in.  The pitch.  They hit that shit.  Now let’s say for fun’s sake that this batter is a righty and you can clearly see the ball leave the bat into opposite field territory.  But the editor says “Oh hey.  I’m a greasy, ugly nerd.  I couldn’t play baseball if I tried, dawg.”  So what’s the next shot we see?  Some moron in left field catching a fly ball.  Good job editor.  You fucked it up.

If I can tell the trajectory of the ball off of the bat, the next shot better make sense brah.  Whether it’s a line-drive, pop-up, grounder, foul ball, or any other variation of a hit, the next shot better match.

Actually, nevermind.  Keep doing this.  Otherwise, how would I be able to bitch about stupid shit like this on my shitty website that no one reads?

#5: Often, people will discuss writers, directors, actors, and other creative people who they believe are underrated, underappreciated, and just not as recognized as they should be. We’ve done Fivegoos on the subject, I’ve made lists of them, and it’s the kind of thing that, once you start recognizing certain people continually popping up and consistently creating quality performances and movies seemingly out of nowhere, makes you start to remember these people, and watch their careers, eagerly anticipating whatever it is they’re doing next. So, after doing our Fivegoo of underrated directors, after the camera stopped rolling, Josh, Kyle, Dave, and Dancy turned and asked me who I felt was a severely underrated director, and the first name that popped into my head was that of Rian Johnson.

At first, I was hesitant at the time to say that Johnson would be underrated, as he’s only really been an active filmmaker for the last five years, during which he made two movies, Brick and The Brothers Bloom. But, sitting at my computer with iTunes on shuffle, the score from Bloom (by his equally talented brother, Nathan) began to play, and I realized, during my distracted thoughts of all the things I loved about that movie, that if just hearing a theme from one of my movies can take me away from whatever I’m doing and think of his work, than he’s got to be doing something that I really like.

With both of his movies, Rian Johnson has used two completely different styles that, despite their superficial differences, with Brick being a high school neo-noir that takes place over a few days in a single town, and The Brothers Bloom being a con-artist caper story that spans years and a variety of international locations (including scenic New Jersey), feature very specific kinds of characters and dialogue that make it very apparent that the same guy is behind them both. Their plots are twisting and complex, and the truth is never what it seems, or what the characters believe it to be. And while his movies might deal with fairly serious subject matter, be it drug addiction, revenge and murder, they always manage to keep include a good amount of humor to even things out and never let them get too dark or melodramatic. It’s this combination of humor, mystery, and style that made The Brothers Bloom one of my favorite movies of 2009 and Brick my favorite movie of 2006.

As I’ve stated several time so far, Rian Johnson doesn’t seem to have reached a point yet where his movies are appreciated on a mainstream scale, and I’ve heard people who have disliked both of his movies for all kinds of reasons, without knowing that the same person was behind them both. However, I feel like there’s a lot more to come from Johnson, and if his next movie, Looper, a time traveling action thriller starring Bruce Willis and Johnson regular Joseph Gordon Levitt, can live up to its concept and reach more people than his previous movies, than hopefully he can one day become as respected and acclaimed as I consider him to be, and as long as he keeps making movies, I’ll keep watching them.

Way to pick up the slack Dancy.

#4: Memory is a funny thing. I’m convinced that some of my earliest recollections are just my imagined versions of stories my mom has told me a hundred times, that I’ve convinced myself I remember. It seems like every time I tell her I’m going to the movies, or about a something that I’ve watched recently, she reminds me that the very first movie I had ever seen in a theater was Peter Pan, and how I ran to the front of the audience and sang along to all of the songs every time one would play.

Now, this was when I was around two years old, so I’m convinced that I can’t possibly remember it. And, yet, I can picture it in my head, the combination of what I looked like at that age, the theater I was in, Peter Pan on the screen. I think just the knowledge of these things, what they look like and what I imagine it was like to be there, allowed my mind to just fill in the blanks and create what feels like a memory, even though it can’t possibly be.

The only thing that I can’t believe is the whole singing along to the songs bit. Now, look, Peter Pan’s not a bad movie, and if it was the first movie I saw in a theater, so be it, but it doesn’t have the most memorable songs. Off the top of my head, I don’t think I could tell you how any of them go now (except for the way the words “You Can Fly” are sung), so I don’t know how I would’ve been able to sing along to them as a two year old. Unless I just kind of mumbled along until they got to the words that I knew, or I was some kind of prodigy that could calculate the way a song will sound by just hearing the first few notes and understanding the context that it was being presented in. But I doubt it. However, none of this will keep me from, when giving directions that I don’t know to a stranger who’s lost, telling him to the first star to the right and straight on ‘til morning, and then running away while flailing my arms wildly above my head. Nothing will ever change that.

A PARADOX:

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo came out in 2010 in the United States of America.
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is slated to come out in 2011 in The United States of America.

Both of the above statements are true. One of them should not be.

I love David Fincher. In fact I’d have to agree with fellow TWJer Josh Phillips in saying “MR. DAVID is a wonder man that should be revered as a human with great talent.” Josh also gave great insight into why I love him so much with-  “DAVID FINCHER has created some of the most interesting, intriguing and iconic pictures of this modern era. Pictures that will stick in our memories, and our hearts, for years to come.” Very true stuff, Josh. Good job.
ANYWAY! – - – I think he’s awesome. I just wish he would’ve waited for like a million years to remake a foreign movie that’s already been seen and paraded by millions. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is a really good movie from last year and Fincher’s will most likely be a really good movie from this year. So why do it? Because Americans are lazy. Period. Yes, we’re awesome and have sick skateboarders and rad, ripping, hip-hop artists, but we can barely read a golden book, let alone watch a movie and read AT THE SAME TIME! What do think we are, Niels Arden Oplev? Mutated freaks that can read and look at pictures simultaneously?! Fuck YOU!
ANYWAY – - – I just think it’s ridiculous that in this age of technological advances and unlimited youtube tutorials we still have to fucking RE-MAKE anything. Those movies were already made. Don’t you get it?…Think of something new. Make a movie about a guy that falls into Hell through a pothole and is pissed off becuase he was on his way to a date with (twist ending) NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!!! BOOM! Million dollar idea.

Other lame remakes or reboots to come out soon:
Akira
An American Werewolf In London
The Blob
Child’s Play
The Dambusters
Death Note
Dune
Excalibur
Fantastic 4 Reborn (Reboot)
Frankenstein Fright Night
Godzilla
Ghost In The Shell
Judge Dredd
The Lone Ranger
Short Circuit
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The Thing
The Three Musketeers

BOOM 2.0!!!

Volume 2 - WET STREETS

Holy crap is this annoying.  I don’t know if any of you commoners or serfs pay close enough attention during movies, but next time you’re watching a movie, take note of the streets.  They’re always fucking wet.  It seems to be a staple in every god damn movie to have wet streets.  I swear there’s a guy on set of every movie just waiting for a street scene so he can bust out his hose and piss me off by dousing the street in horrible wetness.  And it’s not even during raining scenes.  Most of the time it’s completely dry out.  The cars are dry, the buildings are dry, the mailboxes are dry, the phone booth, the dogs, the cats.  But not the streets.  Somehow, it managed to rain ONLY on the streets.  I understand that directors and DP’s use it as a way to reflect light and color, but holy crap is it annoying.  And don’t tell me “oh but it looks cool.”  No it doesn’t.  It looks like a wet fucking street and I hate wet streets.

Now why such hostility over wet streets?  It seems like the smallest, most insignificant minutiae, right?  Wrong.  It’s a big deal.  Like literally the biggest deal ever.  A huge part of why I hate seeing wet streets in movies is because I ride a bike.  When you’re riding a bike on soggy streets, you will invariably become soaked by disgusting, muddy, dirty wetness.  And there’s nothing that quite ruins my day like experiencing this.  So when I see these pointlessly stupid wet streets in movies, all I can think about is how shitty it’d be to ride my bike on that road.

Movies tend to be fantasy worlds of excellence.  The good guys always win, the ugly loser ends up getting his dream girl, The Matrix, etc, etc.  They’re worlds that invoke escapism within us.  We wish we could live in movie worlds where awesome stuff is constantly occurring. (Think The Patriot, The Happening, or Varsity Blues). So when something comes along like these god damn wet streets, it makes me die a little bit inside.  It takes some of the luster off of movie worlds.

Let’s pretend for a second that I’m Neo.  One pill leads to Matrix physics, endless rave parties, and wet streets.  The other pill leads to Desk Job A, mortgages, and dry streets.  Which do I choose?  Sorry Morpheus, but I’m taking the dry streets.  Take it up with the stupid Architect.

*NOTE:  I did not watch Rabbits or Twin Peaks:  Fire Walk with Me.  I saw enough of these rabbits in Inland Empire and don’t really classify a 50 minute movie of them to be a feature film of Lynch’s.  Also, I rarely watch TV shows, so I wasn’t going to go through the entire series just so I could watch the movie.

Before ever seeing any of his movies, I’d heard about David Lynch.  I’d heard he makes these really weird, abstract, arty movies that are almost impossible to understand.  So I was in no rush to see his work.  I figured I’d hate him for being a pretentious snob who makes stupid movies.  But then I started to watch what he’s done.  And while I was correct in my presumption that I wouldn’t like him, my reasoning is now far more formed than “OMG his movies are like soo weird.”

So where did I start?  Quite foolishly, I started with Inland Empire. Now, I’d venture to say that, along with Dune, it is far and above his least watchable movie.  (I’ll come back to Dune later.)  For one, Inland Empire’s running time of 180 minutes is enough to wear a person down.  Throw in an incomprehensible plot and a series of unending, abstract moment after abstract moment and you wish you’d never put it in your DVD player in the first place.  Unless you’re really cool and like totally understand it, man.  I finished the movie thinking “what the fuck was that?”  After one movie, I figured that the rumors were true and all of his movies were nothing but unintelligible wanking.

And for awhile, I stayed away from his other work.  When brought up in discussion, I promptly cursed him out and reviled his name as if I’d seen several of his movies.  Then one day, for some reason, I decided that I needed to see all of his movies.  On one hand, I wanted to have a properly formed opinion that didn’t rely on what others’ had said or my one viewing of one of his movies.  And on the other hand, I wanted to be armed with this informed opinion should any Lynch-lover challenge my thoughts on the director and his work.  In the end, I’m glad I did it.

One of the ways that many people describe Lynch’s movies is to say they are “dreamlike.”  Even Lynch himself has voiced his interest in dreams, dream worlds and creating them on screen.  And this is one of the very reasons I dislike a large portion of his work.  Not because he tries to create a particular world on screen, but because of their dreamlike nature.

Every one in awhile, someone I know will casually mention in conversation “oh man, I had this crazy dream last night.”  I hate when this happens.  They follow by going into detail about how one crazy thing happened, but then this other crazy thing happened, and so on and so forth.  For one, it’s impossible to keep up with.  And two, the person usually telling me their dream is not the best storyteller.  Not only that, but telling someone about a crazy dream is far different than experiencing it.

And David Lynch is one of these people.  But instead of wasting his voice by telling it to me, he makes a movie and shows it to me.  Unfortunately, this is all in vain, as the results are just the same.  Call me a square or stupid or whatever you may, but his methods of storytelling are not my favorite.

Many of his fans would likely respond to my sentiments by saying “it’s not supposed to make sense!”  And hey, that’s fine with me.  It’s one of the things I actually give him credit for.  I would agree with him that people are too concerned with meaning in movies.  Sometimes it’s not necessary to understand every single moment of every single movie.  But when it comes to movies like Eraserhead and Inland Empire, things are so far removed from the realm of logical sense that I quickly lose all interest and care.  So what am I trying to say?  Do I not like him because he goes so far “out there?”  Is it because his movies aren’t “normal” or traditional enough?

No.

It has to do with the stories he tells and how he chooses to tell them.  Take Blue Velvet and Mulholland Dr. for example.   These movies are not completely absurd or unintelligible.  A large portion of each is told fairly straight-forward and “normally.”  But, even in these “normal” sections, the storytelling is not appealing to me.  And it’s not even that the stories or concepts are bad.  It’s the manner in which it’s done.  What it comes down to is his focus for each movie.  It often seems that he is so concerned with creating surreal moments and environments that many other elements that make up a movie are neglected.

But even when it comes to The Straight Story, something just doesn’t work right.  It’s easily his most “normal” movie, what with the G-rating and being a Disney movie.  While not a bad movie, I found it to be quite flat and boring.  So at this point it seems like I don’t like anything he’s done.  I feel that his absurdist elements go a bit too far and his storytelling comes off as stilted.  And I don’t even like The Straight Story? I must hate everything he’s done, right?

Wrong again.

I love The Elephant Man. Far and above my favorite movie he’s made.  One thing that separates it from all of his other movies is the emotions it appeals to.  Rather than horror and paranoia, it ranges from warm and uplifting to heartbreaking sadness.  Now while this is easily my favorite, it is very straightforward and barely like a David Lynch movie at all.

Which brings me to another movie he’s done that feels incredibly non-Lynchian.  And that movie is Dune.  I didn’t think that I’d like any David Lynch movie less than Inland Empire. But then I watched Dune and everything changed.  It is an incredible mess of a movie.  Pages upon pages could be written about its’ faults, but nothing will ever surpass the truly terrible voice-over narration in Dune.  It is something that must be seen and heard to be believed.  It feels like a novice Sci-Fi Channel movie, written and directed by someone who knows very little about making movies.  Now I may dislike David Lynch, but I know he understands how to make a movie.  So when it comes to David Lynch movies that actually feel Lynchian, there is only one that truly succeeds in my mind.

And that movie is Wild at Heart. He takes the story of a wild, loving couple and tells it with his absurd and ridiculous style.  It’s a blast to watch Nic Cage and Laura Dern in the throes of love, set to heavy metal.  It’s a perfect blend of a traditional story with ridiculous elements.  And of course, Nic Cage was the absolute perfect choice to star in the lead role of Sailor.  His style mirrors the style of the movie.  Also, cue one of Willem Dafoe’s best performances as the slimy creep, Bobby Peru, and you’re in for some fun.  This is Lynch at his most balanced.

Now aside from his storytelling and use of abstract, absurd elements, there are more technical elements to evaluate.

Cons: For one, I dislike the look of his movies.  Except for his black and white work, his movies tend to have a shot-for-TV look.  Even his most dark scenes tend to look a little over-lit.  Granted, some of his movies are going for this look, it just doesn’t appeal to my aesthetic tastes.  Furthermore, I’m not particularly fond of the actors he chooses to work with.  There’s a couple sprinkled throughout that I like (Nic Cage, John Hurt, Dennis Hopper, Anthony Hopkins to name a few), but by and large I’m not too big on the main actors he chooses.

Pros: He can scare the living shit out of me.  The opening 45 minutes of Lost Highway are scary as all hell.  I felt like a little baby watching it.  He has an immense talent in creating moments of unnerving horror and paranoia.  With Inland Empire, he’s able to scare me silly by simply filming a lamp.  And as visually frightening as his movies can be, his sound design often provides an excellent one-two punch of terror.  Low drones and humming frequencies build tension and give way to loud, jarring noise.

So, all in all I’d say I am not a fan of David Lynch.  Sure people were right in telling me that his movies can be incomprehensibly abstract and absurd.  But now, after taking the time to actually see it all, I respect some of the work he’s done.  Yes I find him pretentious and arty.  And yes I downright hate some of his movies, but his movies are not poorly made.  They’re just not my style.  It does seem a bit odd, though, that while Lynch feels meaning is essentially unimportant; his movies provoke so much interpretation.  They practically beg the audience to “figure out what it all means.”  Luckily, I don’t really care what they mean.

To close it out, here’s how I rank his movies:

1. The Elephant Man
2. Wild at Heart
3. Lost Highway
4. Blue Velvet
5. Mulholland Dr.
6. The Straight Story
7. Eraserhead
8. Inland Empire
9. Dune